DOLCE VITA : THE SWEET LIFE

(06/11/2011) The first thing Choo told me when she briefed me for this camp a few days back was; "OK, first, bring alot alot alot alot alot of dry food." *jawdropstotheground* thehell? Started our journey at around 9.30am with all 10 of us, except for Chiang who couldnt make it last-minute. holding the 'au naturel' mosquito repelling plant. Drove all the way there and meet up with Pastor Jack before entering the settlement. Gees, we were wishing we had a Pajero like him. I mean cmon, pity Shassi's white Viva Elite. (Was in josh's car, a Sunny!) It went through much ups and downs (pun intended) after the tar road ended outside the settlement. As if dirt road was not bad enough, there were massive potholes and what, stone covered roads in the middle of the journey. Phewwww. Took us an half an hour till we reach the spot to cross the bridge (If you Googled, you'll know how scary it looks.) and half an hour more to reach the midd...

(24/11/2011) Mr Palan said something that goes roughly like this; "I dont hope for all of you to change after what i said, but i only hope for 10% of all of you guys here to really get and practice what we've learned today. And 10% is only 7 out of 74 of you all here." It was actually, heart breaking. To know how some actually thought that LTC was, in fact, a pure waste of time. And all this and all that. Sigh. But then i remembered what Mr. Palan said. And i thought to myself, Why focus on that 1% or 10% of them who didnt appreciate LTC, instead of the huge 99% or 90% prefects who had a great time, and actually comprehended the message behind LTC? Whatever it was, at least i knew those who really cared for this big, big family and actually is part of the family, and even some coming from the ones i least expected. In fact, i began to realise, the board is actually a tiny replica of how the corporations of the outside world is. How there will always b...

(23/11/2011) LTC. it wasnt the best, it wasnt perfect, it had flaws, it had mistakes, it has its share of ups and downs, but i still thank God that there was definitely an outcome. DAY 1. getting screwed by the end of the day wasnt the best thing that could happen, especially when it is something that concerns our responsibility and credibility. getting the screwing in a way that wasnt so like-able or acceptable by everyone is making things even worser. and FINALLY getting the screwing when the problem has been there all the while, i actually think that well, yeah, at least it's being brought up, although in such a way. but it has to, like sooner or later. and it finally did. and heck, my first breakdown for prefectorial board. sighs. Day 2. pretty tensed up when the Big Boss is around. but yeah, just chill down and absorb what today's speaker, Mr. Palan, has to say. The moment he said, "Begin with an end in mind", im like "HEY!". ...

(01/11/2011) Left my Halloween post at an "unfinished" status. i forgot what i else i was gonna write. it's okay. it's just the same for every other posts, when the mind gets so active at night and starts constructing line after line, when the frustration, the hyperness gets hijacked and bubbled wayyyy up, AND i dont type it in my draft, i just forget everything the next day. It's good in a way i guess, you dont keep the vengeance or the grudge or whatever thats bugging you overnight. Nice. period.

(01/11/2011) When they say that we know whats best for ourselves, they werent kidding. When a menopausal woman comes into conflict with a pms lady, the former will keep talking shiz and the latter will either talk back, or she'll walk away while mimicking the other's talking-shiz-mode face. *and lots of rolled eyes thrown in, no doubt. Females. *shrugs. Best not to ignite them atm, fellas. period.

(31/10/11) -Halloween. In the very beginning, there was still worry. Worry that it would break someone, worry about the blow it'll impact on the individual. Ironically, i remember it was the birthday, and also the day the one i was waiting for is coming home. The very same day, when i decide to make clear cut with my decision. In fact, i realized that the decision has been made long ago. Looking back, it was obvious. The only thing that kept me from realizing was myself, for i wished of nothing but the best for other people. For them to be not upset by me. She was right, it is always others before myself. Them before me. I wonder if there ever will be a day when i would be thoroughly selfish, or maybe just really love myself more than anything. Just like what mum said, "Learn to love yourself more before loving anyone else." True. So very true. unfinished. period.

19/10/2011 i really want to know what will happen if i pop a sulpiride tablet in right now. can i wake up to go to school for chemistry? cus i think i bloody need that tablet in me. like now. fuck. what on earth is wrong with me. i was never like this. i am not me anymore. like hahaha when was the last time i truly felt happy for myself again? months ago man. cmon. i never cry for exams. i did. i never cry to my brother. i did. i never want to just sleep and not care whats gonna happen tmr. i did. and not to mention feeling like utter bullshit waking up with half the day gone. i did. i never memorise biofacts like shit and still able to ask "what on earth is protein synthesis"; never occured to me that that was exactly what i was reading the whole time; and threw 15 marks away. i did. i could never sincerely literally seriously felt more stupid ever. i did. and i really considered going back to sleep and sleep again tmr during chemistry. if miss chemistry asks, i'll say i...

03/09/2011 "When you assume; you make an ass out of u and me." Dont judge that idc. Just that sometimes i think i cannot; and that it's not quite the right thing? Oh wait, am i living for other people instead of myself again? 你写的最后那几句,不知道为什么搞到我蛮伤心的。 “你的痛是我给的承诺，如果难过，请你忘了我。” lan literature meh. duhh. :\ 旧的回忆，永远都不会忘。 不应该丢下回忆，而是带着回忆向未来走吧。 唯一能做的，就是制造一些属于我们新的回忆。 infinity is so pretty. LOL imy.i will. <8 period.

03/09/2011 Cinderella OST: " A dream is a wish your heart makes, when you're fast asleep. In dreams you lose your heartaches, whatever you wish for, you keep" that is sucha lie. It really sucks to wake up from horrid dreams. This, by far, is the most utterly depressing one. Dreaming about how almost everyone you cared about, just died in an accident, and I survived. Imagine being completely alone with only two friend, and ironically, one friend was no longer a friend; because in that dream, it seemed like we never restored the friendship in peace. I had a taste of how things would be, if I had not accepted things in peace; if I chose the option of not being okay with things. It was really horrible, that I almost woke up thinking it was all real. Being stranded and desolated, with absolutely no one to confide to, and the only living one is like an arch rival. It was sad. Just now, I was watering the plants, and it felt like how it was when i was ten or so, when the only pe...

17/01/11 - 06/07/11 #1: cars of manual and auto; sukditsin. #2: to always walk on the right side. #3: yumcha/yumyeh. #4: to love ourselves and be self-loving when there's nobody to love us. #5: to end the topic when 'fine' is mentioned. #6: little girl's cupcake. #7: sm7y, heck. #8: equal share. #9: no goodbyes allowed. #10: mahtava. #11: <9 #12: 幸福的感觉: 是当你不知不觉的笑，而且是发自内心的笑。 那就是幸福。 #13: killer smiles are not as awesome as fatthao smiles. #14: Talk to me, even if you are not in the mood. Unless I'm the reason. #15: dont just be ready to catch, be ready to hold on too. #16: <8 burnt. que seja infinito. period.

23/08/2011 2PM- Like a movie "오래된 영화 속에 우리가 있어 그 안에 우린 너무 행복해 보여 기억도 나지 않던 낯선 곳에서 우리 추억들을 찾고 있었어 눈물이 났어 아니 눈물이 나 지금도 널 생각하면 널 보고 있으면 되감아 봐도 다시 보고 또 봐도 I miss you more and more 널 잊을 수가 없어 *다신 누굴 사랑하지 않을 걸 알아 Cause I dont wanna let you go 내 기억 속에서 **내가 보는 영화 속의 주인공처럼 날 사랑하던 그 때로 돌아와줘 아무도 모르게 다시 내 곁으로 오래된 영화 속에 우리가 있어 (이제 기억이 나) 그 때 우리는 너무 어렸었지만 (다시 기억이 나) 시간은 내가 잠시 멈춘 곳에서 우리 사랑마저 멈춰 버렸어..." Just very nicely written. period.

21/08/2011 Choose one from the following options. A. Gift it B. Burn it C. Keep it D. Throw it and i actually settled for option D. held on real tight, and made myself un-clench my grip on the book. and tried very hard to not turn back and retrieve it from the bin. duh. 有没有搞错. >< okay. i. dumped. it. well well well. 留着也没意思了吧.. but to think of the effort and heart when i wrote and printed, hmm. but its better to not keep it, i guess. eeeks. like ouch. i dont like throwing stuffs i pre-made. is it really thrown and gone? period.

21/08/2011 "为什么你要这样对我?" "为什么你要这样对我?" "为什么你要这样对我?" "为什么你要这样对我?" "为什么你要这样对我?" "为什么你要这样对我?" "为什么你要这样对我?" "为什么你要这样对我?" "为什么你要这样对我?" woke up with that sentence ringing in my bloody headache. this is insanity. hate waking up like this. period.

09/08/2011 Saw this on Oprah, Barbra Streisand's song just captivated me. The Way We Were. Which is also the major hit movie back then, considering that they really had the 'IT' couple look. They just match. But still ended up separately. Sad. The best epic scene: " Katie Morosky Gardner : I don't have the right style for you do I? Hubbell Gardner : No you don't have the right style. Katie Morosky Gardner : I'll change. Hubbell Gardner : No, don't change. You're your own girl, you have your own style. Katie Morosky Gardner : But then I won't have you. Why can't I have you? Hubbell Gardner : Because you push too hard, every damn minute. There's no time to ever relax and enjoy living. Every things too serious to be so serious. Katie Morosky Gardner : If I push too hard it's because I want things to be better, I want us to be better, I want you to be better. Sure I make waves you have I mean you have to. And I'll keep making them ti...

06/08/2011 我不惹事了啦。 读书 ：） and feeding my right brain with Suju's Superman. damn jeng really. p/s: tried uploading the vid, but there's no sound. so i deleted. :( oh well. watch here on youtube. period.

05/08/2011 对我十位老公们和课本好; 好过对别人好。 谁知道他们对你又说又笑的时候，头脑里面到底在说些什么鬼话，在你背后又说些有的没的。 先想想自己到底是对或错吧。唉。 心淡？ 才不会再那么笨，浪费力气。 或许只样也好，我干嘛要做那么多。 好多人都说我不需要那么好，最多不就一拍两散。 付出了，牺牲了，可是我怎么觉得有时候她好像当做是应该的呢？ 经历这一切，就只不过是为了以后大家能好好相处。 做人不要太过分。语气也应该客气一些好不好。 原来你也会感觉到生气，也会不爽。 让你感受一下那种滋味也好。 这样你或许能感觉到我那个时后的心情， 唯一不同的地方，就是你跟他已经不在一起了。 有时候，真的搞不懂你在想什么。 到底还值得吗。 还重要吗？ 不知道。 P/S: 还有， 如果你有在读， 请你不要去当人家的翻译 者。谢了。 period.

05/08/2011 心機很重。 看得出。 tsktsktsk 无话可说。 period.

31/07/2011 V: 'There's a fine line between being stupid and being generous.' S: 'Am I stupid?' V: '*shakes head* You're strong, really, cus you have to face it everyday.' S: '*asmilethatdidn'tquitereachmyeyes* Life.' Life goes on without waiting.. So why should we all wait for people who's not waiting for us. Kept repeating, 看得开就好。看得开就好。 There, just nice. And, well, today.. Today. has. a. nice. date. Topped everything I had.. Sighs. p/s: But honestly, it wasn't that bad really. good job :D period.

28/07/2011 Psychologically imagining myself in the middle of a huge meadow, close my eyes and take a deep, deep breath.. Curve a smile, and open my eyes. There, everything looks a lil bit nicer, a lil more pleasant. Doesn't it? -As long as she is happy, as long as everyone is happy.- This one is working out pretty much perfectly. A wee bit better than shutting both eyes and ears. (Although that might still be needed sometimes.) Learn to accept, and learn to look at it with a smile and embrace with an open heart. I realize that in the end, the way to emancipate the heart from locks, is not to change the lock, is not to seek out the old key that could unlock it, is not to forever keep it shut, but to make a new one, and keep it in your own possession. At least for the time being. Just so that the sense of permanence and security is back. Those are the two major things that are hard to grasp alone. After everything, I guess that this is finally the last straw to really shove me back i...

28/07/2011 i have. brilliant eyes. LOL. wish i didn't.

26/07/11 replaying: Cry Me Out- Pixie Lott It is all that is left of it. Along with a handful of irony. That's it. That's all. And no more. smh. period.

25/07/11 But will you still tell me about it with your own words? Will you tell me that it has already been done? 你会亲口告诉我吗？ Will you. Or there is no need to. Yeah that sounds kinda right. ohmytian. tsk. ;_; period.

25/07/11 Is my intuitions always that strong? Well then that would have explained why i was feeling so overwhelmed that day. I am just that awesome. Honestly, i dont feel angry, dont feel crushed, dont feel betrayed or etc. I just feel numb i guess. HA. and a lil foolish for even asking amee the question. duhh. Not a surprise, but i guess i really gotta cope with it this time. haha. Did they think that i knew? I never knew. And now i do. LOL cincai ba. guess i can only smile because it once happened. :) period.

24/07/11 Amee: "You did nothing. you did nothing wrong. you did nothing." I know. but i cant help being a saint? Well. a saint is the most i could try to be; but never a cupid. Okay. maybe i'm too selfish to even be a saint. I wonder. If i were to have that talk with her, what is there to say. Since 'sorry' is no longer applicable, i think. Besides 'sorry', would you have anything else to say? Besides that, is there anything else that should be talked about? Ohmytian. i know i'm bullshit-ing. oh wait. i already know. Rephrase: i knew nothing(25/07/11). waiting for the day it happens back to you maybe? I'll console you then. :P period.

24/07/11 replaying in iTunes, Kyla - I dont want you to go. "Oh it's just too much Takin' all the whole world all by myself But it's not enough Unless I stop trusting somebody else, Somebody else And love again And from the start Maybe we were tryin' too hard It's crazy coz it's breakin' our hearts Things can fall apart but I know, That I don't want you to go, no Maybe we were tryin' to hard It's crazy coz it's breakin' our hearts Things can fall apart but I know, That I don't want you to go." i'm tired. :'(

23/07/11 "不要做自私的人，不然的 活 很累，不要去计较太多，其实，若计较，那时候你已经失去了很多很多，还有最重要的东西，一颗真心，别人与你相交的真心。" 爱一个人， 应该懂得放手 应该学会祝福 应该明白对方过得开心才是最重要的。 明知道不可能了， 就应该懂得让别人 填满我们之前的位置。 这， 谁不知道嘛。 这个道理就这么简单， 但有几个真真能做得到呢？ 我这样的确是很自私， 我也想说服自己， 不要在纠缠不停。 我这样到底是为了什么？ 到底又能得到什么？ 最后， 还不是什么都没有， 而只是让自己更难过。 缘分，跟发明是一样的。 也是源于偶然. 只是，这种发明跟其他发明不一样，它没有专利权，随时会给人抢走。 看开一点， 好吗？:') period.

The best moments in life, are somehow the worst moments too; Because you want to hold on to things that are supposed to be freed. Things that are dear to us, reminisce moments that would make you smile, bitter-sweetly so. Things that meant so much to you, and maybe only to you alone now.. People kept asking if we hate that person. Thing is, you'll never be able to hate that person, no matter what they do. And we never know why. Silly? Dont think so. Thank you vivian, for sharing. :) I miss having maddi and viv w. and angie. The 'sleepover' or rather 'talk-all-night' night we had months ago was one of the best. No secrets, no pretense, no nothing. p/s: Ha. i always wanted to hug her for the last time. But i never did, and there was never a right time. There will never be. period.

22/07/11 And oh. Go. Go enjoy and do whatever that makes you happy for the time you have left here, and next year when you come back. Just dont do it in front of me and come say fucking sorry afterwards. Both of you. Closing both eyes has a limit alright. Dont push it. Suen la. Talk mut chut la. I couldnt even have a few hours of your night without her in between. :\ Besides, i think it is really no longer my business who you meddle with... No rights to. right? If hating helps, all the lovers in the world would've hated their ex to hell. Naww. to infinity and beyond is more like it. LOL. p/s: so looking forward to see my BFF back for speech day and sports day. i think she'd demand serious update on my sort of messed up moments. ciao. period.

22/07/11 @Josephine's. With laikuan, ada, py, chia, yitmei, viv law and louis. Completed my "little dainty black book of la sugarfree". Made with heart and soul. HEHE. Hope you loved the surprise louis did. Although he took kinda long for that :) shin ♥ chris. cousinssss muahahha. HAPPY NINETEENTH BIRTHDAY CHRIS NG. period.

21/07/11 "Why I am feeling all the feelings that I'm feeling now And I got more on my mind Then I've got on my plate. I love you one, a two, a three shoobee-doo, I love you four, that's more than I can afford. And I can tell, some day that I'm gonna say the truth. I love you five times more than any boy from before. ' Cause all they really cared about was whether you put out, And I truly believe, That this love could be." -I Love You 5; Never Shout Never I wonder why i have never stumbled upon "Never Shout Never". The songs are like aww. Getting back a portion of the hangfuk feelings i used to have. They are like, jason mraz plus uhm jonas brothers? more to jason mraz. It made me smile. period.

21/07/11 At least she is there to comfort me? Well hello. I comfort myself more than she comforts me. Have you ever put yourself in my shoes before you say anything? Like how you wanted to know what me and the vege is talking about. Ever thought of how i felt like knowing what you two talk about too? Ever thought of how i wna know what you two have so much to talk about? Ever thought of how i never ever doubted you, never ever breathed a word about not fancying how close you two have grown? It was because i really really never thought that anything would happen. Never thought that a limit was necessary. Like how you asked me if i minded you going out with her when i confronted you. Like how i said No because i believed that i was just being obnoxious. Like how i made myself be the better one because she wasnt mine to hold on to anymore. Like how i freaking believed that she will never just fall for you like that. Like how i told the vege that you are every ounce worth it, Because i som...

19/07/11 ʰᵃʰ⋅ ᵗʰᵉ ᵈᵃᵗᵉ⋅ Sat at like the wrong seat in tuition? -__- Noticing things which are like such an eyesore. oh well maybe only to my eyes. i am ddl7y-ing. so? And 3 hours of tuition after school kinda drains me out. Teacher: "The group of singers is summarized into..." Me: "What? Samurai? " LOL And zomg please la. Form 5 kids saying me 'ke ai'? "ew" . i hate that. Then after the text msg viv showed me, -I want shinwei to sayang me too!- "EW!!" Three rows of students ahead of me in tuition turned and glanced at me. damn. Pasar malam. Pass. Wasnt in a gleeful mood for that. And definitely not in a pleasant mood to be there. Urgh. Okay get it. Get it. Get it. Definitely no longer the priority, but an option. Fml. Kthxbye. period.

18/07/11 speech impediment. Prefectorial Board General Meeting. HAHAHA crap i practically greeted, introduced, and im like shoot. mental block for 3 sec? then i continued with my speech. im the first one for god's sake. oh well oh well. "I promise nothing to SMI, because action speaks louder than words. To me, promises are just empty words without execution. So, rather than just talking, I'd rather you all watch and wait for the change we can bring about together in the future." Or so that was what i intended to say. Maybe the nervous jigglies that came from god knows where made me fidget here and there. LOL. whatever. just make sure im not like that if i have a next time. so silly :P Don's ending for his speech is like such an awesome excuse. "And, due to time constrict, I shall end my speech..." (Note: I'm not saying you are awesome. -___-) Hmm. Hope i didnt screw up horribly. I mean i did screw up, just cross fingers in wasnt THAT awful eh. Didnt ...

17/07/11 I know people care. Brothers, sisters, and you. Gratitude felt. But sometimes sorry just dont make the cut, you know? It makes not much of a difference, cus some things are just not meant to be. And thats what we're supposed to cope with. I know that. I do. But you know how sometimes people just refuse to do the right things. I remember how i used to nag my girlfriends, telling them not to be so silly to be upset about their relationship. Telling them to get a life and get over it. And ta-da, I get them now. Its not like they dont know, they just refuse to. Oh well, life, right? :) Im suddenly having this feeling that we're gonna laugh like god knows how about all this issue next year in cny. haha Gees. People have to stop saying that i am nice. I know i smile, gives you the girl-next-door feeling. Kids prefer me, colleagues like me, parents remember me. So I give people good vibes, nice impressions. Uh well, I am not that nice. I have flaws, I am spiteful, I am selfis...

16/07/11 It's kinda hilarious when I find myself sucked deep into all these emotional bullshit. Say for example, I was watching tv in the morning, and ohgees, a tear just trickled down. I was surprised, cus I was crying without realizing. I just clamped my mouth shut, and hugged the pillow. Wiped my eyes, afraid that my mum would walk out and see me like that. damned. That moment, a thousand and million things just flashed through my mind. I see myself, school, deputy nomination, exams, stress, and her. I silently cursed myself for being in that state. I wished I had someone's shoulder to cry on. I wanted someone to just hug me protectively where I can just bury myself and weep like a kid. I just wanted someone to be there. Just right beside me and hold onto me while I just fall apart. I just wanted to lose it. I've been holding myself together too long. I thought of calling my brother, but naww. I dont want to start from scratch. I thought of chris, but she was unavailable...

15/07/11 To pledge to not get emotionally attached. Cus it will only get you mentally strained, physically restrained. I remember pledging to stay single for a year till 19th June 2012. That sounds silly, but I think that's whats gonna happen. Unless, I get myself another nice tb? HAHA. Cus boys are just not appealing to me right now. lol. bullshit. doublev's. Besides, time flies like nobody's business. Yeah, getting stressed up and regretting a lil for handing in the Deputy Lady nomination letter. (Did I just signed myself a chance to get into loads of work? ) And studies and the exam. and also emotional swings. I really thank Sam for the brief talk we had today. :) I was like, telling him just really brief and muted parts of my scrambled mind. And like, 'Hey, sorry. I know you don't really understand. But yeah, things have been hard. Get me?' And Sam was like, 'Yeah, I think I understand.' And he told me about his pledge to not get emotionally attached...

15/07/11 1. had sex. 2. bought condoms. 3. gotten pregnant. 4. failed a class. 5. kissed a boy. 6. kissed a girl. 7. used a little paper bag for lunch. 8. have/had a job. 9. slipped on ice. 10. missed the school bus . 11. left the house without my wallet. 12. bullied someone on the internet. 13. sexted. 14. had sex in public. 15. played on a sports team. 16. smoked weed. 17. smoked cigarettes. 18. smoked a cigar. 19. drank alcohol. 20. watched “The Breakfast Club” 21. been overweight. 22. been underweight. 23. had an eating disorder. 24. been to a wedding. 25. made fun of someone for being fat. 26. been on the computer for 5 hours straight. 27. watched tv for 5 hours 28. been late for work. 29. been late for school. 30. kissed in the rain. 31. showered with someone else. 32. failed my drivers test. 33. ran a mile in less than 10 minutes. 34. been outside my home country. 35. been on a road trip longer than 5 hours. 36. had lice. 37. gotten my heart broken. 38. had a credit card. 39. be...