3:33 AM


I am sorry if I fuck myself up once in a while,
I am sorry I had to unleash the ugly monster from the cage I built,
I am sorry if I am difficult to handle when I cannot stand myself,
and most of all,
I am sorry that I am a rose surrounded by the thorns I protectively grew.

Trimming, as always.



6:18 PM

It is as though being born into this world was God's way of testing your resiliency and endurance.
Just when; a premature baby is fighting through every day trying to breathe life into a frail body, a child asking again and again for someone she thought was her hero to make a stupid promise- that she would be good so that he will not leave, a daughter being independent at an age too young so that she will not be an added burden, a student trying to excel just so she can show that she is worth all the sacrifice to be brought up, a friend who would always take one step back and save the bigger picture, a lover that pours her soul because that is how she would want it to be reciprocated, a rebel who would go for anything and everything because she would want to do something just for herself.
Endless efforts just to show the world, "I am worth it and I am worth your stay.



9:19 PM


I have always been like a widespread ocean.
I can be calm, serene, and at peace,
but when the waves hit, it is always a rough tide.
The rocking waves are just like my emotions,
it hits hard and it is unforgiving.

I either ride along the waves, 
head high up and spiral downwards;
or just crash and submerge underwater.
I get lost drowning in the feeling of everything all at once.

But I hate giving up.
I hate submitting myself to forces that are greater than me.
I hate to not be in control.
I hate when things refuse to go my way.
I am stubborn as fuck,
I am merciless when I cannot achieve what I want.

I have a heart, one that is so big and full.
I have a heart, one that cares relentlessly.
I have a heart, one that can be void and be emptied.
I have a heart, one that would replenish, still, time after time.
I have a heart, one that I know will eventually be the death (or hopefully the life) of me.
I have a heart, and that is my biggest weakness.

I can be your anchor,
but who is going to be mine?

I make my own choices, I make ME.
It's time I get back on shore,
and stand my ground.


Pretty to see, difficult to catch.

2:59 PM

*Something I wrote right before I came back Ipoh. Right before I was burning with hate.
Good to read this knowing it calms me down.


Still unable to fall asleep, so I decide to type something out because I am feeling like it.
Was home last night, and my brother decided to have some relationship talk with me.
That was pretty awkward, the lil girl finally grew up to the point when it is sort of time for this talk.
Talk about papa, talk about mommy, talk about him.

Brother said a whole lot, with me pseudo listening at some point.
But what caught me was when he told me how He would never let you walk down the wrong path.
When you're walking down a path that was not meant for you at that time, He will hold you back and steer you in another direction.
It might seem to be a hindering of some sort, an obstacle obstructing you from going further.
But what you did not realize is that He is the one guiding you to a another path.

I broke down at that.

I thought of all the paths I went through.
All the ones where I thought I did not reach the end of.
All the decisions that I had to make because I did not have a choice.
All the decisions I made that steered me in a different direction.
All the unfulfilled choices that I never got to and felt upset about.
The remorse, regret.
There is a silver lining behind every cloud;
He always has better plans for  us.

I have never seen it that way, and perhaps I should now.
All that has never meant to be, will never be.
All that has been, is for me to take and for me to continue on as a better person, a better follower, and also a better leader.
This is the path that I should and I will continue on.
The future is mine to carve out, but I need to believe that things happen for a reason.
And that reason, is for a better today.
I was never holy, but I believe when I feel it.

"Let go, let God."


4:11 PM


A little girl sees something new for the first time.
She is mesmerized, she is curious, she is doubtful.
A little girl learns something new and performs a new 'trick'.
The people around fawns over her and showers her with claps, cheers, just for her.
She does it again, just so she can elicit the same response.
And it goes on and on and on.
Have we not always been taught to learn and show to garner attention?
Has it not always been this way where we do something for someone else?
I think that is usually the case most of the time. 
Most of my time.

"Was it because your dad left so there is a need to for you to grow up and become not dependent...?"
*dingding moment in Counselling role play practice*

Fifteen years and counting, it still felt the same way.
I try to be something for someone else.
I do something for people to stick around.
I become independent and strong, because I do not want to be a burden.
I learn to shut myself close, because I am afraid of letting people in and leaving me again.
I keep thriving to be better, but I need to learn how to be better for myself.
I do not want my history to determine who I am in the present.
I want to be what I am today for myself.

It is never easy, to watch people leave again.
It is never easy, to be left behind again.
It is never easy, to be standing and knowing that nobody is returning.
Left thinking, what I could have done or what I could have become.
Left pondering, if you left because I am less important than the purpose you went after.
Left ruminating, if you left because I became something you no longer wanted.
Left doubting myself if you left because,

because I am not worth it.
Just like all the ones who left.

"They say it's real if it comes back.
I say it's real if it never left."

Tea and me.

2:53 AM


Four weeks ago.

What do you see when you look at me?
You said you see me as a friend.
And I was thinking, how could we be like friends when we never actually were those few months ago.
Is  it possible to revert back to something we were after we lost what we had?
Of course. The only problem is, we have nothing to go back to.

What do I see when I look at you?
I see someone I completely have no idea about.
You are a stranger who is all but familiar to me.
You are now someone who bears the same name with all the tiny old habits.
And you are a silhouette walking towards the light leaving me behind in the shadows.

You were never my cup of tea.
I was never your cup of tea.
We decided to give each other a shot.
We know we can stay if we liked what we tasted.
We know we can stray off if we did not.
But what you did not tell me was what would happen,
if only one became the other's cup of tea.

You became my cup of tea.
I did not.

All the more reason why I should not be surprised with you being with someone you once said was not your cup of tea.
I should know better. :)

Filled with love.

12:52 AM


I did not expect it to happen to me.
Fate decided to grant me this out of all the things that could have possibly happened.

No words could describe how I felt at that very moment.
That sight through the crack of the door showed me what I did not want to see,
albeit the fact that I have half (or possibly wholly) believed it would turn out that way.
Everything stopped.
Just for that moment, I did not have anyone. Not even you. Your hugs. Your comfort.
All I had was me and every part of my breathing self.
Every single cell in my breathing body.
A thousand, no, a million thoughts ran through my numbed mind.
But the only thing loud and clear to me was, I have it.
And I also don't.

In the blink of an eye, there is so much responsibility that I could immediately assume.
Even for the scarce period I had, I did what I could.
I tried carrying out the responsibilities that was just purely natural to me.
All because
it was my doing, my action, my fault, and also my fall.
All because
it was my love, my pride, my self, and yet my utmost regret.

The love that enveloped me was undeniable.
The pain that consumed me was unforgettable.
I was unwilling to let go, but I am selfish.
The only thing I could give was the aftermath that I will keep for the rest of my life.
The fear before, the excruciating pain during, and the loss after.
It will be part and parcel of me buried deep inside the locks of my memory.
It will resurface when I fall prey to the unconscious mind in my dreams.
It would be unearthed to remind me of my bleeding decision every single month,
It will never be forgotten.

I am twenty-two and six days.
I am sorry. I am sorry. I am sorry.
Nothing could rid me of the guilt I was to bear for the rest of my life.
Nothing could fill up of the hollowness I felt in me afterwards.
Nothing could replenish the love for it. Nothing but you and I.

But that too was no more.

I'm sorry, I'll always love you.

2:30 AM


"女人该独立的三个方面: 经济独立, 思想独立,情感独立。"
如果有一天只剩下自己一个人背着全世界的负担 我也不用害怕 因为我不会没有了谁而生存不下去。
靠山山倒 靠男人男人跑 倒不如靠自己更好。

当个独立女王就是要有能力靠自己爬到顶峰(或许你和我的目标不一样 这没关系)。
-经济独立 想买什么就买什么 不用张开双手(腿)跟别人掏。
-思想独立 不必让别人牵着鼻子走 能有自己原则和想法。
-情感独立 别那么傻只把他一个摆在人生的重心 委屈妥协只为了留他的心。
有时候无论在友谊或事业上掏心掏肺的付出然后希望得到回报时, 你总避免不了一些会为了自己的利益而踩著別人的屍體往上爬。
往往觉得交的都会是一辈子的麻吉好友 怎么知道其实有哪个已经在你背后捅了一刀又一刀。
和你最珍惜最疼惜的人在一起 你又怎么知道对方到底是真心对待还是假意啊。
独立的确能避免自己受到别人的伤害 但独立最总还是会伤到自己。
我们能有自己的想法 能作出决定 能追往自己的梦想。
记得 要疼爱自己多一点点。



2:44 AM


I'm sitting on the sofa, procrastinating while acting really busy on my laptop switching from this social window to that.
2.20 a.m., I should be well in bed going into my first/second phase of sleep.
If Mom was still in KL i'd probably be catching the rest of my drama that I kept on pause on the player.
I just had this sudden whim to write about the past few days and nights, how I sort of painstakingly(?) went through them.
But then, I've had some alcohol earlier on and I just feel so, so lazy to type it out. (excuses!)
Let's just say that I didn't have to endure everything in such a harsh way (but I did),
didn't have to quickly replenish my emotions to the brim in three days over and over (yet I did),
didn't have to tell myself not to have high expectations and yet secretly hoped (still I did).
What, yeah contradicting myself and putting many, many things that seem unrelated together and then turn on the water faucet and allow my salty tears to roll down again and again and again and again.

Yet, I still have no idea why.
Aite, I'm starting to feel hungry after the alcohol.
Technically I'm only hungry after 1 a.m. since Monday.
Haven't had any appetite for four consecutive days now.
My weight... has dropped to 41 kilos. Far from my dreams of blood donation.
Frustrating really.

Mahtava, mahtava.
What happened to staying mahtava shin?


2:18 AM


Sometimes all you need is an escape.
A temporary one that could give you shelter and solace.
When you run, you'd never know where you'd hide.
You'll have a sixth sense that tells you it is safe.
The best way to describe it is that it is a place where you can see them, but they can't.
For all you know; it might be some spot that isn't that hidden at all.

I just want to be alone somewhere.
Somewhere I can hide and bury myself for a while.
A teeny tiny moment, that is all I am asking for.
Even if you see me, just let me be.
For when I'm done, I promise I would emerge from this cloud.
This thick, foggy sky that is encompassing me right now.
Because I feel safe even when I seem lost. It is just me and myself.
Just for now.

I know it will consume and suffocate me if I remain for long.
Do not worry, just give me a little while more.

Disappointment = Expectations/Reality

10:44 AM


Love is probably like a freshly-cut piece of cloth.
Unprocessed, untouched, free from any sort of workmanship.
It started off in its purest form after production,
waiting to be worked on and transformed into something spectacular by eager hands.
Everything is good; it always is in the beginning.
But when the work starts, the wear on the piece of cloth starts.
With craftsmanship that might not be up to par,
the cloth begins fraying, tearing, ripping.. the list goes on.
A pair of hands that had only wished for the best, might have dreamt a little big, demanded more and probably expected too much.
Under circumstances like this, that pair of hands would most likely drown in disappointment if he/she did not achieve their visual goal.
The higher the expectations, the greater is the disappointment.

But also,
if that pair of hands made the right cut, executed it with some patience, enjoyed the process with a dash love,
and worked with a plain big heart,
he/she would be ecstatically happy from producing a good batch of craft.
The more you dream, the higher you achieve.

Dream with innocence, hope without demanding, and love big.
That is a lifetime lesson.

The Jar.

10:44 PM


When things in your life seem , almost too much to handle,
When 24  Hours in a day is not enough,
Remember the mayonnaise jar and 2 cups of coffee.
A professor stood before his philosophy class.
And had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, 
He picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls.
He then asked the students, if the jar was full. They agreed that it was. 
The professor then picked up a box of pebbles andpoured them into the jar.
He shook the jar lightly.
The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls.

He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.
The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar.

Of course, the sand filled up everything else. 
He asked once more if the jar was full. 
The students responded with a unanimous 'yes.' 
The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire
contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand.

The students laughed.
'Now,' said the professor, as the laughter subsided,
'I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life.
The golf balls are the important things - family,
children, health, Friends, and Favorite passions –
Things that if everything else was lost and onlythey remained, 

Your life would still be full. 
The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, house, and car.
The sand is everything else --The small stuff.
'If you put the sand into the jar first,' 
he continued,
'There is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls.
The same goes for life.
If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff,
You will never have room for the things that are important to you.
So... Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.
Play With your children. 

Take time to get medical checkups.
Take your partner out to dinner. 

There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal.
'Take care of the golf balls first --
The things that really matter. Set your priorities.
The rest is just sand.

' One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented.
The professor smiled.

'I'm glad you asked'.
It just goes to show you that no matter how full
your life may seem, 

there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend.'



8:31 PM


“We dated and she’s an incredibly important person that I lived with for a long time, but it’s about that time in a relationship that I was going through; you’re in a relationship because you need help, but that’s not necessarily why you should be in a relationship. And that’s skinny. It doesn’t have weight. Skinny love doesn’t have a chance because it’s not nourished.” — Justin Vernon of Bon Iver, on Skinny Love.

well. I really thought of giving up.
but.. I dare not.
sometimes giving up is even harder than trying.
I'll just try I guess.

love or bread?
I'll choose love.
what? I sound desperate?
oh really? *shrugs

I don't know.
but I don't think I can live without love.
the love of my family.
the love of my friends.
and of course, the love of my loved one.

I'm a very insecure person.
it makes me an unconfident one, too.
I'll try my best to do everything.
hoping to get praised by others,
especially my parents.
just so you know,
praises feed my insecurities.

and money?
I know, I know that money is essential in life.
everything in this society is based on money.
money ruin us, I think.
it ruins the relationship between me and my mom.
when it comes to money,
we'll be screaming at each other.

I wonder how things would be if money doesn't exist.
that question, unanswered still.






some cheesy post.

12:46 AM



-You know what, blogger killed my post by screwing the final product and AUTOSAVING THE WRONG THING.

Dude, i poured my heart every single time i post. t('- ' )t
But I get frustrated if I dont post what i originally wanted to say, so I'm gonna type again.
It was supposed to be up before 12am, damned.
Blogger better not f this up again. *exhales.-
I just had the drive to post something up here for you, and I dont usually do that.
So this means that this is special okay.

This is the 7th time I'm wishing and keep counting ass :D
I'm glad that I still get to wish you with this much enthusiasm now, especially ever since your lc period from f3 onwards.
Hahaha joking, no one could ever beat me in this area right? *smirks
Initially, i was just going to post some stuff that.. I dont know how to describe that.
Anyway, I thought I might as well dedicate this top post for you.
You can not read the ones below if you dont want to. It's in a slightly different perspective. LOL
My post have some negative effect sometimes. That's what they told me. ;)
And yeah, ily ass <3 br="">


more cheese.

:) I think they are probably thee only couple that I would look and go 'aww'.
I dont have that reaction for every lovey-dovey couple.
It takes a bit more that just cute stuff and love gratifications for me.
This 'aww' for them is more for their, uhm, their type of relationship.
They complement each other really well, you know?
They have like that sort of same mindflow, heading into the same direction.
Okay I dont know what I meant by that, but, it's like they both are going for this steady stage.
Haha Im sorry, but I dont mean to be some sort of an analyzer or whatever.
Actually, if i had to be more cheesy with my word choice, they are 'perfect' (yer.) for each other.
In a positive sort of way.
No one else would know the truth better than them anyway.
Both of these people, they are what I consider as really close friends that I've known for quite some time.
The sort that I would be willing to spill to them, sort of my confidante.
Thank God for this, they are, and hopefully would be in the future too.
 I just feel happy for them. Really.
You guys would go a long, long way together.

Remember that time when you got upset with what we had to say.
I already figured you'd be pretty much upset with it, yet I still gave you a piece of my mind.
But I guess I was actually pretty neutral about it... wasn't I?
No ill-intentions though; I, we, just wanted the best for you.
Okay that came out a lil wrong, but we wanted you to be happy... and you were.  :)
How did I not see that at that moment? I really wonder.
You have this pregnant glow in the pictures haha.

And the 'talk' that I never get to finish with him?
It was cus it didnt really matter anymore.
But I really want to kick in one thing to clarify about that statement.
I've said it before, and I'll repeat this for one last time.
It was never ever a case of me dodging a ball, and the ball went and hit you instead.
I thought I've repeated that a gazillion times to her.
Oh right, to her, I repeated it a gazillion times to her. Not him.
No wonder.
Well, just know that i'm glad and happy for the both them.

This post is getting ridiculous.
I dont know if it is because subconsciously, I've never thought that such a relationship would exist.
The sort that would go into a long-lasting, steady relationship.
Or even extend into the family bond itself.
Maybe it is just because I've never seen it happen.
I have no idea. I guess it is possible after all.
As long as there is the willingness to commit. Both parties.
Things fall apart so that other things can fall together, right?

posted on Oct 13th, 2012.


10:50 PM


I've deleted my Facebook app and Twitter app on my Wonder.
Well, does it help? Let's just say I hope it does, for this super short month. -__-
And yes like duh, I know I'm not even supposed to be on blogger right now.
A blog post hardly takes up 15 minutes, and it's Friday bedtime after a long week (LOL).
So, I suppose I can say there is no harm done... ?
Okay fine, this is denial, and also running away from a pledge.
Ranting, such a pretty post for this little page huh.
I guess this is what happens to someone who supposedly has no twitter and facebook to update?

Certified: Social media sickness.

Actually, it's not really a big deal.
I just had this major mood to type and talk shiz.
Ciaos <3
p/s: And oh, Instagram is not social, right? ;) just joking.



9:24 PM


"You wanted hearts and flowers," he murmurs.
I blink at him, not quite believing what I'm seeing.
"You have my heart." And he waves toward the room.
"And here are the flowers," I whisper, completing his sentence.
-E.L. James, Fifty Shades Darker

And oh? I bought myself a grey dress.
And no, it was because grey looked more flattering on my skin tone rather than pink.


what has the world done to you, dear?

7:43 PM


Anger management. or,
Stress management. or,
Depression management. or,
All of the above.

When something pushes you straight to the brink,
you just topple over that boundary, and fall seamlessly through.
it took so little, yet it seems to be so, so much to just push me over my limit these days.
i knew i was always easily annoyed, easily angered, easily frustrated, easily humoured.
i was sort of this quick short circuit.
and i always easily recovered from these silly things [:)], cus it didnt really matter.
but these days, miniscule things tick me off so easily.
what bothers me most wasnt that.
i get sad, i get depressed, i get angry, i get frustrated, i get angry again,
and i just get sad again knowing how i am reacting towards all these emotional buildup.

i felt like the whole world has done me wrong,
i hoped i convinced myself enough that it is the world that has done me wrong.
and not me myself,
because i cannot face this just yet.



11:58 PM


When you realize the tables have turned. Hahaha *show an immediate deadpan face*



9:03 PM


“Sometimes I don't get you,' I said.
She didn't even glance at me. She just smiled toward the television and said, 'You never get me. That's the whole point.”

Sometimes I feel so similar to this fictional character.
She's lively, spontaneous, lives up to every moment of her life, making sure each day counts.
Behind that facade, she's pretty self-destructive. Letting the guilt of her mother's death eating her up bit by bit.
Enigmatic, or better, "the crazy, sullen bitch", as how she described her second self.

Guess everyone, or perhaps just me, have two sides eh?
One for display, one for ourselves.
Alaska Young, perfectly relatable.

Looking for Alaska

7:27 PM


Came across this passage from the book, Looking for Alaska by John Green.
This is one of the rare moments I stumble upon a book and immediately felt hooked.
There was something about it, something that sparked interest.
Could it possibly be just the story plot that caught my attention, or was it because of the feeling where you could sort of relate to the story?
I dunno. But that's really what makes everything a best-seller,
"eye-catchingly interesting", or it is "just-so-me".

Feeling gloomy today, and knowing very well that this book might make me even more shrouded with negative vibes, I still Googled it. Yeah, it's like one of my fav things to do.
It was not just interesting, it really is a good book.
Be it to those Literature lessons or whatsoever, the story being conveyed through John Green,
There was so much more to it than just the surface of the story.
So much more depth to the words. I fell in love with it.

"Imagining the future is a kind of nostalgia."
"Huh?" I asked.
"You spend your whole life stuck in the labyrinth, thinking about how you'll escape it one day, and how awesome it will be, and imagining that future keeps you going, but you never do it. You just use the future to escape the present."
  • Alaska Young and Miles "Pudge" Halter, p. 54

dolce vita : the sweet life
profile pro·file- Pronunciation[proh-fahyl]
Hello. my name is shinwei; Alexa,
I'm 23 going on 24(still twenteen!) on 0306 and this are my thoughts speaking.
Find me on facebook and tumblr .

im a stuck up twenty omg three year old lady.
i smile on sunny days. i gloom over rainy days.
for what i care; it's bound to be clear skied one day.
It's what i think and what i'd like here.
no more; no less.
Stay mahtava (awesome), that's all i want. ♥

We might kiss when we are alone, when nobody's watching.
We might take it home, we might make out when nobody's there.
It's not that we're scared. It's just that it's delicate.

i dont really care if spamming occurs.


By Month:
November 2009
December 2009
January 2010
March 2010
May 2010
July 2010
August 2010
September 2010
October 2010
December 2010
January 2011
February 2011
March 2011
July 2011
August 2011
September 2011
October 2011
November 2011
December 2011
January 2012
April 2012
June 2012
July 2012
September 2012
October 2012
November 2012
July 2013
March 2014
June 2014
April 2015
June 2015
July 2015
February 2016
November 2016
October 2017