me.

29/06/2015

A little girl sees something new for the first time.

She is mesmerized, she is curious, she is doubtful.

A little girl learns something new and performs a new 'trick'.

The people around fawns over her and showers her with claps, cheers, just for her.

She does it again, just so she can elicit the same response.

And it goes on and on and on.

Have we not always been taught to learn and show to garner attention?

Has it not always been this way where we do something for someone else?

I think that is usually the case most of the time. 

Most of my time.

"Was it because your dad left so there is a need to for you to grow up and become not dependent...?"

*dingding moment in Counselling role play practice*

Fifteen years and counting, it still felt the same way.

I try to be something for someone else.

I do something for people to stick around.

I become independent and strong, because I do not want to be a burden.

I learn to shut myself close, because I am afraid of letting people in and leaving me again.

I keep thriving to be better, but I need to learn how to be better for myself.

I do not want my history to determine who I am in the present.

I want to be what I am today for myself.

It is never easy, to watch people leave again.

It is never easy, to be left behind again.

It is never easy, to be standing and knowing that nobody is returning.

Left thinking, what I could have done or what I could have become.

Left pondering, if you left because I am less important than the purpose you went after.

Left ruminating, if you left because I became something you no longer wanted.

Left doubting myself if you left because,

because I am not worth it.
Just like all the ones who left.

"They say it's real if it comes back.

I say it's real if it never left."

period.