DOLCE VITA : THE SWEET LIFE

*Something I wrote right before I came back Ipoh. Right before I was burning with hate. Good to read this knowing it calms me down. 18/07/2015 0520 Still unable to fall asleep, so I decide to type something out because I am feeling like it. Was home last night, and my brother decided to have some relationship talk with me. That was pretty awkward, the lil girl finally grew up to the point when it is sort of time for this talk. Talk about papa, talk about mommy, talk about him. Brother said a whole lot, with me pseudo listening at some point. But what caught me was when he told me how He would never let you walk down the wrong path. When you're walking down a path that was not meant for you at that time, He will hold you back and steer you in another direction. It might seem to be a hindering of some sort, an obstacle obstructing you from going further. But what you did not realize is that He is the one guiding you to a another path. I broke down at that. I though

29/06/2015 A little girl sees something new for the first time. She is mesmerized, she is curious, she is doubtful. A little girl learns something new and performs a new 'trick'. The people around fawns over her and showers her with claps, cheers, just for her. She does it again, just so she can elicit the same response. And it goes on and on and on. Have we not always been taught to learn and show to garner attention? Has it not always been this way where we do something for someone else? I think that is usually the case most of the time.  Most of my time. "Was it because your dad left so there is a need to for you to grow up and become not dependent...?" *dingding moment in Counselling role play practice* Fifteen years and counting, it still felt the same way. I try to be something for someone else. I do something for people to stick around. I become independent and strong, because I do not want to be a burden. I learn to shut

26/06/2015 Four weeks ago. What do you see when you look at me? You said you see me as a friend. And I was thinking, how could we be like friends when we never actually were those few months ago. Is  it possible to revert back to something we were after we lost what we had? Of course. The only problem is, we have nothing to go back to. What do I see when I look at you? I see someone I completely have no idea about. You are a stranger who is all but familiar to me. You are now someone who bears the same name with all the tiny old habits. And you are a silhouette walking towards the light leaving me behind in the shadows. Funny. You were never my cup of tea. I was never your cup of tea. We decided to give each other a shot. We know we can stay if we liked what we tasted. We know we can stray off if we did not. But what you did not tell me was what would happen, if only one became the other's cup of tea. You became my cup of tea. I

09/06/2015 Twenty-one. I did not expect it to happen to me. Fate decided to grant me this out of all the things that could have possibly happened. No words could describe how I felt at that very moment. That sight through the crack of the door showed me what I did not want to see, albeit the fact that I have half (or possibly wholly) believed it would turn out that way. Everything stopped. Just for that moment, I did not have anyone. Not even you. Your hugs. Your comfort. All I had was me and every part of my breathing self. Every single cell in my breathing body. A thousand, no, a million thoughts ran through my numbed mind. But the only thing loud and clear to me was, I have it. And I also don't. In the blink of an eye, there is so much responsibility that I could immediately assume. Even for the scarce period I had, I did what I could. I tried carrying out the responsibilities that was just purely natural to me. All because it was my doing, my action, my fau

21/04/2015 "女人该独立的三个方面： 经济独立， 思想独立，情感独立。" 记得从小就对自己说过长大以后要像我妈咪一样当个铁娘子。 如果有一天只剩下自己一个人背着全世界的负担 我也不用害怕 因为我不会没有了谁而生存不下去。 靠山山倒 靠男人男人跑 倒不如靠自己更好。 当个独立女王就是要有能力靠自己爬到顶峰（或许你和我的目标不一样 这没关系）。 -经济独立 想买什么就买什么 不用张开双手（腿）跟别人掏。 -思想独立 不必让别人牵着鼻子走 能有自己原则和想法。 -情感独立 别那么傻只把他一个摆在人生的重心 委屈妥协只为了留他的心。 有时候无论在友谊或事业上掏心掏肺的付出然后希望得到回报时， 你总避免不了一些会为了自己的利益而踩著別人的屍體往上爬。 往往觉得交的都会是一辈子的麻吉好友 怎么知道其实有哪个已经在你背后捅了一刀又一刀。 和你最珍惜最疼惜的人在一起 你又怎么知道对方到底是真心对待还是假意啊。 交友滿天下,知己有幾人？ 独立的确能避免自己受到别人的伤害 但独立最总还是会伤到自己。 精神上的紧绷，体肉上的疲惫，一个人坚强的走下去。 当一位二十一世纪的女人要懂得醒目，因为我们比起以往的女人好运多了。 我们能有自己的想法 能作出决定 能追往自己的梦想。 我妈也说过，"爱自己才能爱别人。" 记得 要疼爱自己多一点点。 不喜欢女人独立的，我们不要也罢。 period.