tan.

16/06/2020

i fell in love.
you fell out first.

on our last morning, i said
my heart hurts.
you said yours too.
/but it is different.

the final tie to the dead knot
was not because of the many attempts in tying.
it was simply because
the string has been left loose.
i was tugging at nothing,
pulling everything slowly back to myself.
/i know.

on our last car ride,
we held hands.
i said everything is going to be okay.
we are going to be okay.
there was an atmosphere around us, hopeful
of possible regret.
eventually we would be okay-
but my seat was already tainted.
/i knew.

and just shy of fourteen days,
you said no more.
i am not wanted anymore.

and two days later i returned,
my bunny already placed out of your vision,
your earrings discarded away.
it was a cold room,
so unfamiliarly strange.
the only warm thing,
were the silent tears on my face
and the other mothers in the house.
i could not recall what i came for
anymore.
your room has not been slept in the night before.
/i knew it all.

a promised clean three months
respect for three months, but
i could no longer recognise the person you turned into.

white lies
scattered like breadcrumbs.
i picked them up
all the way to our shared days from long before.
or even just the three days before we were over:
white lies
that she was not there
white lies
that she had not leaned on you
drunk
or sober
white lies
that she was not the one
who picked up the other end of the string
and have you to decide
to tie it
dead tight.

i never asked
i never doubted
perhaps i cared too recklessly.
i gave all the trust
in my world
because you were different.
i changed
my dark world
because i wanted to be better.
but you ate back on very your own words.
because you felt a selfish hope.

you never liked it
when i am friendly
or overly friendly.
i did not like it too,
but how has it been any different?

"we are just friends."

a friend
will never be this friendly
if you know the person is still taken.
a friend
will not make a physical move
on a person
recently single for just two weeks.
a friend
will not have such confidence
if really
it was just an air of pure friendship.
you had this friend
because you have
already drifted away
long before
you said goodbye to me.
you walked away
quietly and quickly
even when i was still warming your bed.
and you decided
to have this friend elevated so soon
because she gave you more
than what you thought i have given you.

i wake up
day after day
barely breathing when it felt so heavy.
i exist
in front of the ones who love me
because i could not love my self any more.
i regret
all the things that has lead
to the early end in our surname.
and so i try
and tripped, and try
but tripped.
again and again.

no doubt
we had our share of ups
but you remember mostly the downs.
the journey could have ended
and i was fine with it
because there was so much wrong in our right.
but it did not have to end this way.
i wish my eyes
were not as sharp.
because sometimes
the truth is too much to take in.
i was not ready
i was still sorry,
but you were not.
it takes two hands to clap for us, but
also for you and -

i wanted
all the men in my life
to regret.
regret that they ever told me
that i was a great girl.
regret that they ever said
i will find someone better.
regret that they said all those words,
yet chose to go along with someone else.
i want
to be the one that got away.
i want them all
to regret ever letting me go.

-But in the end,
i really
just wanted one thing.

I want to regret
opening my eyes
and closing my lids
with the countless tears i let loose
for each
and everyone of you.

period.