I dnu what to do with myself.

10/07/11

I wish I never asked for you to accept the request.
I wish you two never met.
I wish you two were never friends.
I wish my birthday wasn't the reason you both have each other's number.
I wish I was the one who could be there for you night after night.
I wish I was the one who was available.
I wish that we never have to end because till the end the feeling was not deep enough.
Or, I wish I never had to exist between both of you.

I hate being the karma I am implementing on myself.
I hate the fact of how I am telling myself what I used to feel like telling your ex.
I hate eating back my own words.
That 'she is no longer yours, and I have every right to have her now.'
I hate being so vulnerable for you.
I hate the fact that an ex is an ex for a reason.
I hate the fact that I know there is nothing, but there is definitely the feeling.
I hate feeling how an ex would feel like.
I hate you for falling for her.
I hate you for making her the one who is replacing everything that used to be me.
I hate watching her text you in tuition when it used to be me.
I hate seeing her name blinking on your phone.
I hate seeing everything she has that was from you.
And I hate that I am not gracious enough to let someone else fill up a new chapter of your life.

When closing both eyes or both ears,
When ignorance just doesn't do the trick anymore,
I don't know what else I can do.
Do we need to be like this? I didn't want to either.
Part of me is fully aware of what I should do,
And part of me just wants to close up and live in denial.
I'm so sorry when the other part of me overtakes and make me go through everything again.
Even when I have said that I am completely, completely done with it.
AND I am looking forward to the day when I honestly don't give a fcuk anymore.
Cus I just care too much.
This is just so bitter. People are saying I'm silly cus I'm still being a nice sport and saying nice stuffs for her.
Cus I still believe that she really loves her, and I don't want to see her sad.
But sometimes I doubt if it is even true anymore.
When she tells you off, and then still texts you?
I really hoped both my eyes were closed and I didn't have to see that.
This is hopeless. I am hopeless.
Why did all this had to happen.
And why did it have to be you and her.



period.

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