:"(

supposed to:
  • go for driving lesson at 9 am.
  • report for work at 4.30 pm.
  • have fun in work.
  • end the day with a smile.
instead, what happened was:
  • Ben told me i had to cancel my driving lesson at 7 am.
  • my uncle passed away. like so sudden omfg.
  • Kevin, Ben, and I are going back to Parit Buntar. double omfg.
  • plus; mum is not coming with us today. holy omfg.
I WAS LIKE OMFGPLSHELPNOOOOOOOOOOOO D:

The thing is; i never went back to my hometown since i was perhaps nine or ten.
every CNY, i would stay in ipoh with my mum cus i would refuse to go back there with my brothers.
Even worse; i haven't seen Mr. Tan since forever.
TOTAL FML. its not that i looove to curse and swear all right. but like seriously, i cant describe how i feel.
Imagine you are gonna meet up with a long lost friend you have not seen for the past ten years, you'll hug and smile and laugh when you meet up.
But in this case, its a dad that ruined the family and left us in dire jeopardy.
So its going to be a scenario where you are gonna face someone you have not met for oh-so-long and the only impression you have of that person is.. is.. indescribable.

What happened there was:
  • Total awkwardness. They knew my brothers but stared at the complete stranger: ME.
  • I was practically hiding behind my brothers LOL.
  • and they go "Who is this? Ohh, this is the youngest one. She's all grown up." Thats it.
  • was sitting down and FML Mr. Tan walked in.
  • He looked at me. I stared at him.
  • And he said "Shinwei see papa now also dont call papa already?"
  • And fcuk I went behind. Tears were like flowing just like that. I had absolutely no control.
  • My two brothers was like hugging me and saying "Its okay, I understand."
  • I was crying and sobbing exactly like a three year old kid.
  • And then he had to come again and say "Why now see papa like see enemy?" urgh.
  • Ironically, i wasn't crying because of my deceased uncle; but because of the living father. total fml.

Let me put it this way. I have been avoiding from confronting this issue for ten years.
He left us when i was 7. I am 17 now.
I've avoided this "phobia" for ten years; and all the while I thought that I have healed from the pain and impact he caused to me.
The thing is, I am not.
I have been living in denial that what he did and does now doesn't mean anything to me anymore.
The fact is; what he did is already in me.
And what I have to learn now is to face this "phobia" :"(
It seems like he wants to talk to me. But all I want is for him to stay away from me.
Its so goddamn awkward because we are in a funeral procession.
I have nothing to do, and when he comes nearby; all i was thinking was "PLEASE. dont come near me. dont talk to me. and just LEAVE ME ALONE."

BIGFATSIGH.
he degraded to such a pathetic state, i repeat, PATHETIC.
I went back home; and my mum said; "Why are your eyes swollen?"
My brother, "She cried." :\
My mum, "Cried for the dead or the living?"
Me, "..."

I was worn out and soooo tired.
Pysically tired; mentally tired. Heart terribly sore.
All I can say was that I thank god that I feel so protected to be in the middle of my two brothers when I was crying so badly.
I dont want to step back into that horrid place anymore.
Somehow; avoiding seems to comfort me the most.
p/s: ddc; i know you won't understand how bad it feels. and yeah. i miss you alot. :P

period.

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