:"(

supposed to:

• go for driving lesson at 9 am.
• report for work at 4.30 pm.
• have fun in work.
• end the day with a smile.

instead, what happened was:

• Ben told me i had to cancel my driving lesson at 7 am.
• my uncle passed away. like so sudden omfg.
• Kevin, Ben, and I are going back to Parit Buntar. double omfg.
• plus; mum is not coming with us today. holy omfg.

I WAS LIKE OMFGPLSHELPNOOOOOOOOOOOO D:

The thing is; i never went back to my hometown since i was perhaps nine or ten.

every CNY, i would stay in ipoh with my mum cus i would refuse to go back there with my brothers.

Even worse; i haven't seen Mr. Tan since forever.

TOTAL FML. its not that i looove to curse and swear all right. but like seriously, i cant describe how i feel.

Imagine you are gonna meet up with a long lost friend you have not seen for the past ten years, you'll hug and smile and laugh when you meet up.

But in this case, its a dad that ruined the family and left us in dire jeopardy.

So its going to be a scenario where you are gonna face someone you have not met for oh-so-long and the only impression you have of that person is.. is.. indescribable.

What happened there was:

• Total awkwardness. They knew my brothers but stared at the complete stranger: ME.
• I was practically hiding behind my brothers LOL.
• and they go "Who is this? Ohh, this is the youngest one. She's all grown up." Thats it.
• was sitting down and FML Mr. Tan walked in.
• He looked at me. I stared at him.
• And he said "Shinwei see papa now also dont call papa already?"
• And fcuk I went behind. Tears were like flowing just like that. I had absolutely no control.
• My two brothers was like hugging me and saying "Its okay, I understand."
• I was crying and sobbing exactly like a three year old kid.
• And then he had to come again and say "Why now see papa like see enemy?" urgh.
• Ironically, i wasn't crying because of my deceased uncle; but because of the living father. total fml.

Let me put it this way. I have been avoiding from confronting this issue for ten years.

He left us when i was 7. I am 17 now.

I've avoided this "phobia" for ten years; and all the while I thought that I have healed from the pain and impact he caused to me.

The thing is, I am not.

I have been living in denial that what he did and does now doesn't mean anything to me anymore.

The fact is; what he did is already in me.

And what I have to learn now is to face this "phobia" :"(

It seems like he wants to talk to me. But all I want is for him to stay away from me.

Its so goddamn awkward because we are in a funeral procession.

I have nothing to do, and when he comes nearby; all i was thinking was "PLEASE. dont come near me. dont talk to me. and just LEAVE ME ALONE."

BIGFATSIGH.

he degraded to such a pathetic state, i repeat, PATHETIC.

I went back home; and my mum said; "Why are your eyes swollen?"

My brother, "She cried." :\

My mum, "Cried for the dead or the living?"

Me, "..."

I was worn out and soooo tired.

Pysically tired; mentally tired. Heart terribly sore.

All I can say was that I thank god that I feel so protected to be in the middle of my two brothers when I was crying so badly.

I dont want to step back into that horrid place anymore.

Somehow; avoiding seems to comfort me the most.

p/s: ddc; i know you won't understand how bad it feels. and yeah. i miss you alot. :P

period.