looking at him

choywaihung.
period.

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me.

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29/06/2015 A little girl sees something new for the first time. She is mesmerized, she is curious, she is doubtful. A little girl learns something new and performs a new 'trick'. The people around fawns over her and showers her with claps, cheers, just for her. She does it again, just so she can elicit the same response. And it goes on and on and on. Have we not always been taught to learn and show to garner attention? Has it not always been this way where we do something for someone else? I think that is usually the case most of the time.  Most of my time. "Was it because your dad left so there is a need to for you to grow up and become not dependent...?" *dingding moment in Counselling role play practice* Fifteen years and counting, it still felt the same way. I try to be something for someone else. I do something for people to stick around. I become independent and strong, because I do not want to be a burden. I learn to shut...
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Volatile.

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11/02/2016 I have always been like a widespread ocean. I can be calm, serene, and at peace, but when the waves hit, it is always a rough tide. The rocking waves are just like my emotions, it hits hard and it is unforgiving. I either ride along the waves,  head high up and spiral downwards; or just crash and submerge underwater. I get lost drowning in the feeling of everything all at once. But I hate giving up. I hate submitting myself to forces that are greater than me. I hate to not be in control. I hate when things refuse to go my way. I am stubborn as fuck, I am merciless when I cannot achieve what I want. I have a heart, one that is so big and full. I have a heart, one that cares relentlessly. I have a heart, one that can be void and be emptied. I have a heart, one that would replenish, still, time after time. I have a heart, one that I know will eventually be the death (or hopefully the life) of me. I have a heart, and that is my...
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Pretty to see, difficult to catch.

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*Something I wrote right before I came back Ipoh. Right before I was burning with hate. Good to read this knowing it calms me down. 18/07/2015 0520 Still unable to fall asleep, so I decide to type something out because I am feeling like it. Was home last night, and my brother decided to have some relationship talk with me. That was pretty awkward, the lil girl finally grew up to the point when it is sort of time for this talk. Talk about papa, talk about mommy, talk about him. Brother said a whole lot, with me pseudo listening at some point. But what caught me was when he told me how He would never let you walk down the wrong path. When you're walking down a path that was not meant for you at that time, He will hold you back and steer you in another direction. It might seem to be a hindering of some sort, an obstacle obstructing you from going further. But what you did not realize is that He is the one guiding you to a another path. I broke down at that. I though...
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