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tan.

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16/06/2020 i fell in love. you fell out first. on our last morning, i said my heart hurts. you said yours too. /but it is different. the final tie to the dead knot was not because of the many attempts in tying. it was simply because the string has been left loose. i was tugging at nothing, pulling everything slowly back to myself. /i know. on our last car ride, we held hands. i said everything is going to be okay. we are going to be okay. there was an atmosphere around us, hopeful of possible regret. eventually we would be okay- but my seat was already tainted. /i knew. and just shy of fourteen days, you said no more. i am not wanted anymore. and two days later i returned, my bunny already placed out of your vision, your earrings discarded away. it was a cold room, so unfamiliarly strange. the only warm thing, were the silent tears on my face and the other mothers in the house. i could not recall what i came for anymore. your room has not
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Roses.

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18/10/2017 I am sorry if I fuck myself up once in a while, I am sorry I had to unleash the ugly monster from the cage I built, I am sorry if I am difficult to handle when I cannot stand myself, and most of all, I am sorry that I am a rose surrounded by the thorns I protectively grew. Trimming, as always. period.
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price.

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17/11/2016 It is as though being born into this world was God's way of testing your resiliency and endurance. Just when; a premature baby is fighting through every day trying to breathe life into a frail body, a child asking again and again for someone she thought was her hero to make a stupid promise- that she would be good so that he will not leave, a daughter being independent at an age too young so that she will not be an added burden, a student trying to excel just so she can show that she is worth all the sacrifice to be brought up, a friend who would always take one step back and save the bigger picture, a lover that pours her soul because that is how she would want it to be reciprocated, a rebel who would go for anything and everything because she would want to do something just for herself. Endless efforts just to show the world, "I am worth it and I am worth your stay. period.
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Volatile.

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11/02/2016 I have always been like a widespread ocean. I can be calm, serene, and at peace, but when the waves hit, it is always a rough tide. The rocking waves are just like my emotions, it hits hard and it is unforgiving. I either ride along the waves,  head high up and spiral downwards; or just crash and submerge underwater. I get lost drowning in the feeling of everything all at once. But I hate giving up. I hate submitting myself to forces that are greater than me. I hate to not be in control. I hate when things refuse to go my way. I am stubborn as fuck, I am merciless when I cannot achieve what I want. I have a heart, one that is so big and full. I have a heart, one that cares relentlessly. I have a heart, one that can be void and be emptied. I have a heart, one that would replenish, still, time after time. I have a heart, one that I know will eventually be the death (or hopefully the life) of me. I have a heart, and that is my big
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Pretty to see, difficult to catch.

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*Something I wrote right before I came back Ipoh. Right before I was burning with hate. Good to read this knowing it calms me down. 18/07/2015 0520 Still unable to fall asleep, so I decide to type something out because I am feeling like it. Was home last night, and my brother decided to have some relationship talk with me. That was pretty awkward, the lil girl finally grew up to the point when it is sort of time for this talk. Talk about papa, talk about mommy, talk about him. Brother said a whole lot, with me pseudo listening at some point. But what caught me was when he told me how He would never let you walk down the wrong path. When you're walking down a path that was not meant for you at that time, He will hold you back and steer you in another direction. It might seem to be a hindering of some sort, an obstacle obstructing you from going further. But what you did not realize is that He is the one guiding you to a another path. I broke down at that. I though
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me.

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29/06/2015 A little girl sees something new for the first time. She is mesmerized, she is curious, she is doubtful. A little girl learns something new and performs a new 'trick'. The people around fawns over her and showers her with claps, cheers, just for her. She does it again, just so she can elicit the same response. And it goes on and on and on. Have we not always been taught to learn and show to garner attention? Has it not always been this way where we do something for someone else? I think that is usually the case most of the time.  Most of my time. "Was it because your dad left so there is a need to for you to grow up and become not dependent...?" *dingding moment in Counselling role play practice* Fifteen years and counting, it still felt the same way. I try to be something for someone else. I do something for people to stick around. I become independent and strong, because I do not want to be a burden. I learn to shut
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Tea and me.

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26/06/2015 Four weeks ago. What do you see when you look at me? You said you see me as a friend. And I was thinking, how could we be like friends when we never actually were those few months ago. Is  it possible to revert back to something we were after we lost what we had? Of course. The only problem is, we have nothing to go back to. What do I see when I look at you? I see someone I completely have no idea about. You are a stranger who is all but familiar to me. You are now someone who bears the same name with all the tiny old habits. And you are a silhouette walking towards the light leaving me behind in the shadows. Funny. You were never my cup of tea. I was never your cup of tea. We decided to give each other a shot. We know we can stay if we liked what we tasted. We know we can stray off if we did not. But what you did not tell me was what would happen, if only one became the other's cup of tea. You became my cup of tea. I
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