DOLCE VITA : THE SWEET LIFE

Recap 2011.

2012-01-01T22:19:00.004+08:00

01/01/2012

2011 was a year i cannot describe.

A year that has became a platform to so many things.

A year I started off counting down in a bar.

A year where I learnt to work and earn and communicate heartily with customers.
A year where I went back to my hometown after 10 years, and very unfilial, as it was for a funeral.
A year where I see my biological dad after 10 years, and tore down the protective walls I built over the years.

A year where we spent CNY so differently because of the family politics that divided them all.

A year where I got my driving license after a double test. :)
A year where I had an unofficially unofficial status.
A year where I enrolled into St. Michael's Institution as a sixth former.
A year where I ironically joined the prefectorial board.
A year where I was a candidate for the top six exco members.

A year where I had an unofficially official status.
A year where I had a short-lived officially official status.
A year where I learnt that things can just dont work out.
A year where I was elected as the Treasurer for the board.
A year where I felt my life was a drama, and felt the sharp jab in my heart, physically.
A year where I learnt that nothing is impossible.
A year where I learnt how to weigh two issues, and the importance of it.
A year where I knew there were so many others out there posting hearts for me.
A year where I felt downtrodden in the gutter for exams.
A year where I felt helpless in being an exco and a comm. advisor for my juniors.
A year where I felt grateful to be who i am.
A year where I fathomed the meaning of being a La Sallian, and to dedicate my life to the last, the lost, and the least along the way.

A year where I gained more than i lost.
A year i went through that molded me into the better me.

A me that has went through one more year of experience with sweet, sour, salty and bitter pallet.

A not-so-mahtava-yet-still-mahtavaly-mahtava 2011.
Blessed to still be here on 01/01/2012.
And vow to try to focus on the big main issue this year;
and no other silly individual besides me myself.

It is a taboo; for real.

period.

2012.

2012-01-01T00:49:00.004+08:00

01/01/2012

It just occured to me, I dont get to see people I want to see this two recent newyear's eve.

Oh well.
And HAPPY 26TH BIRTHDAY TO SMY SELF-ACCLAIMED HUBBY SUNGMIN OPPA.
OR 27TH CUS IN KOREA IT'S PLUS ONE.

SAENGILCHUKAHAE NAEGA JJINJA NEOMU SARANGHAE! ♥

-was going through his pictures; i could always never get myself to choose one. so i'll just be done with my wishes literally.

And of course;

STPM #1; everything else #2.

Including all these ridiculous things going on in me.

Sigh. I wont let it happen. I wont. I trust myself enough. :)

p/s: Dont make bullcrap resolutions; make your word your world.

period.

EXPOSURE.

2011-12-11T21:08:00.005+08:00

(06/11/2011)

The first thing Choo told me when she briefed me for this camp a few days back was;
"OK, first, bring alot alot alot alot alot of dry food."
*jawdropstotheground*
thehell?

Started our journey at around 9.30am with all 10 of us, except for Chiang who couldnt make it last-minute.

holding the 'au naturel' mosquito repelling plant.

Drove all the way there and meet up with Pastor Jack before entering the settlement.
Gees, we were wishing we had a Pajero like him.
I mean cmon, pity Shassi's white Viva Elite. (Was in josh's car.)
It went through much ups and downs (pun intended) after the tar road ended outside the settlement.
As if dirt road was not bad enough, there were massive potholes and what, stone covered roads in the middle of the journey.
Phewwww. Took us an half an hour till we reach the spot to cross the bridge (If you Googled, you'll know how scary it looks.) and half an hour more to reach the middle village.

josh; my boss; was "AAHHH-ing"

There is three village, Kg. Atas, Kg. Tengah, and Kg. Bawah.

We met Bapak, the person in charge there, then the kids.
All the adults are out working.

Things i noticed:

1. Wrappers of snacks strewn around.
2. Only three concrete buildings, the rest were rumah ataps.

3. They bathe, fish, and wash clothes in the waterfall. (oh the story behind the discovery HAHA)

4. The first kid i saw, MIKA, with a sarong wrapped around her head. (And i said, "I wna hug her" the very moment)

Semenyih; Yus and uhh.. :)

From left: rumah atap, church building.

We cooked pasta for lunch. The children had some.

Went to the waterfall and played.
Went back to the church building, played games, taught them origami.
AND we were spent ! pffft.
The girls decided to 'hibernate' in our building for, well, only half an hour.

Woke up, and haha bathed; Orang Asli style!
First time bathing and washing my face with facial wash in the waterfall. LOL :D

The water was freeeeezing cold. I had to beg the kids to stop splashing water at me when i was only half wet. Brrrrrr!
Changed into clean clothes and had dinner.

The ibu-ibus cooked a wonderful dinner meal for us.
Rice, paku ulam vege, fried salted fish, and pumpkin and long bean curry with salted fish head.
Yummmmm.
Had a chit-chat moment over dinner to understand them more; the purpose of Exposure Camp.

frying fish.

cooking pasta.

Yus and Mika.

lower region of the waterfall.

origami session!

Then went for our group discussion.

And apparently we had to leave.
There was this man, reputed to be a trouble-maker, and had conflicts with the villagers.
He said we did not get approval from god-knows-who and yadda yadda yadda.
Andddd he is a bomoh. :)
So we chose to leave, to save the villagers from trouble and future conflicts.
They were so sorry that we had to leave.

It's not your fault :)
And at least we did garner alot from them in just one day.
Well less than a day actually.
We left at 7pm.

the way back at night.

p/s: Mika is the bomoh's grancousin's daughter LOL

period. :)

Be the 10%.

2011-12-11T20:45:00.002+08:00

(24/11/2011)

Mr Palan said something that goes roughly like this;
"I dont hope for all of you to change after what i said, but i only hope for 10% of all fo you guys here to really get and practice what we've learned today. And 10% is only 7 out of 74 of you all here."

It was actually, heart breaking.

To know how some actually thought that LTC was, in fact, a pure waste of time.

And all this and all that.
Sigh. But then i remembered what Mr. Palan said.
And i thought to myself,

Why focus on that 1% or 10% of them who didnt appreciate LTC,
instead of the huge 99% or 90% prefects who had a great time, and actually comprehended the message behind LTC?
Whatever it was, at least i knew those who really cared for this big, big family and actually is part of the family, and even some coming from the ones i least expected.

In fact, i began to realise, the board is actually a tiny replica of how the corporations of the outside world is.
How there will always be setbacks, opponents, failure.
But also how there is the spirit, the work, and the sweet success.

Think all you want that im talking bullshit,

but for me, and for some, they'll know what im talking about.

Dont ask me why i cried, i just did.
Out of comprehension, out of commitment.

And it is something i hope this big, big family would understand for themselves.

From being a prefect for name, fame, and game;
to an exco for change, commitment, and care.

period.

Living Our Legacy (LOL).

2011-11-23T18:29:00.001+08:00

(23/11/2011)

LTC.
it wasnt the best, it wasnt perfect, it had flaws, it had mistakes, it has its share of ups and downs,
but i still thank God that there was definitely an outcome.
DAY 1.
getting screwed by the end of the day wasnt the best thing that could happen,
especially when it is something that concerns our responsibility and credibility.

getting the screwing in a way that wasnt so like-able or acceptable by everyone is making things even worser.
and FINALLY getting the screwing when the problem has been there all the while,
i actually think that well, yeah, at least it's being brought up, although in such a way.

but it has to, like sooner or later. and it finally did.
and heck, my first breakdown for prefectorial board.

sighs.

Day 2.

pretty tensed up when the big boss is around.
but yeah, just chill down and absorb what today's speaker, Mr. Palan, has to say.
The moment he said, "Begin with an end in mind", im like "HEY!".

My brother told me the exact thing. The famous idea from someone's best-seller.
Mahtava.
Day 3.
Revealed the Guardian Angels and their respective mortal. Hahaha.
Some werent to happy with their GA's inactiveness :D

Had the Reflection session, thanks so much to the boss, I was near to the point of crying.

Looked up, saw jialoon's red face and teared eyes. Damnthkssomuch.
I looked back down almost immediately.
The boss then had to just add in another word of lesson for us: Care.

Bloodyhell. $#@*%^#! *cries.*
The big boss took over and talked, softer tones this time.
Sigh. Well well.
Im spent and drained in LTC, but for a good cause.

Some fella actually came to me and said, "Were you sleeping when Mr. Potassium was talking?"
GG.com

LTC commitee.

St.Michael's Institution Prefectorial Board 2011/2012.

Change, commitment, care.
Signum fidei. sign of faith.

period.

eh?

2011-11-01T12:04:00.000+08:00

(01/11/2011)

Left my Halloween post at an "unfinished" status.
i forgot what i else i was gonna write. it's okay.
it's just the same for every other posts,
when the mind gets so active at night and starts constructing line after line,

when the frustration, the hyperness gets hijacked and bubbled wayyyy up,
AND i dont type it in my draft,
i just forget everything the next day.

It's good in a way i guess, you dont keep the vengeance or the grudge or whatever thats bugging you overnight. Nice.

period.

pfft.

2011-11-01T01:12:00.003+08:00

(01/11/2011)

When they say that we know whats best for ourselves, they werent kidding.

When a menopausal woman comes into conflict with a pms lady,

the former will keep talking shiz and the latter will either talk back,

or she'll walk away while mimicking the other's talking-shiz-mode face.

*and lots of rolled eyes thrown in, no doubt.

Females.

*shrugs.

Best not to ignite them atm, fellas.

period.

halloween.

2011-10-31T17:46:00.006+08:00

(31/10/11)

-Halloween.

In the very beginning, there was still worry.

Worry that it would break someone, worry about the blow it'll impact on the individual.
Ironically, i remember it was the birthday, and also the day the one i was waiting for is coming home.

The very same day, when i decide to make clear cut with my decision.
In fact, i realized that the decision has been made long ago.
Looking back, it was obvious.
The only thing that kept me from realizing was myself, for i wished of nothing but the best for other people.
For them to be not upset by me.
She was right, it is always others before myself.
Them before me.
I wonder if there ever will be a day when i would be thoroughly selfish, or maybe just really love myself more than anything.

Just like what mum said,

"Learn to love yourself more before loving anyone else."
True. So very true.

unfinished.
period.

epiphany.

2011-10-19T19:16:00.004+08:00

19/10/2011

i really want to know what will happen if i pop a sulpiride tablet in right now.

can i wake up to go to school for chemistry?
cus i think i bloody need that tablet in me. like now.
fuck. what on earth is wrong with me.

i was never like this. i am not me anymore.

like hahaha when was the last time i truly felt happy for myself again?

months ago man.

cmon.

i never cry for exams.
i did.
i never cry to my brother.
i did.
i never want to just sleep and not care whats gonna happen tmr.
i did.
and not to mention feeling like utter bullshit waking up with half the day gone.
i did.
i never memorise biofacts like shit and still able to ask "what on earth is protein synthesis"; never occured to me that that was exactly what i was reading the whole time; and threw 15 marks away.
i did.
i could never sincerely literally seriously felt more stupid ever.
i did.

and i really considered going back to sleep and sleep again tmr during chemistry.

if miss chemistry asks, i'll say i dont know how to do, and that i also DONT want to do.
sweet.

well? positive side?

There's always a first for everything, no?
and how many more goddamn firsts am i gonna break this bloody year.

too much. seriously just too much.

*swallows the tablet.

there. another first gone. taking unprescribed med.
kthksnight. cb.

p/s: even if right deep down i know goddamn very well what is right and what is not,

sometimes, just sometimes, i just want to let it all go.
immersed in

period.

Diary. mine again.

2011-09-03T23:52:00.007+08:00

03/09/2011

"When you assume;
you make an ass out of u and me."

Dont judge that idc. Just that sometimes i think i cannot; and that it's not quite the right thing?
Oh wait, am i living for other people instead of myself again?

你写的最后那几句,不知道为什么搞到我蛮伤心的。

“你的痛是我给的承诺，如果难过，请你忘了我。”

lan literature meh. duhh. :\

旧的回忆，永远都不会忘。

不应该丢下回忆，而是带着回忆向未来走吧。

唯一能做的，就是制造一些属于我们新的回忆。

infinity is so pretty. LOL

imy.i will. <8

period.

Dream.

2011-09-03T19:02:00.006+08:00

03/09/2011

Cinderella OST:

" A dream is a wish your heart makes, when you're fast asleep. In dreams you lose your heartaches, whatever you wish for, you keep"

that is sucha lie.

It really sucks to wake up from horrid dreams.

This, by far, is the most utterly depressing one.

Dreaming about how almost everyone you cared about,
just died in an accident, and I survived.
Imagine being completely alone with only two friend,

and ironically, one friend was no longer a friend;
because in that dream, it seemed like we never restored the friendship in peace.

I had a taste of how things would be, if I had not accepted things in peace;

if I chose the option of not being okay with things.
It was really horrible, that I almost woke up thinking it was all real.
Being stranded and desolated, with absolutely no one to confide to,
and the only living one is like an arch rival.
It was sad.

Just now, I was watering the plants, and it felt like how it was when i was ten or so,

when the only person at home is my maid.
Pretty queer feeling i'd say, it's like old times for a moment.
Sat in front of the door, and just stared out, breathing in the environment.
What have i done to myself? How have i turned myself into?
I just felt like, i wasn't quite the same me, or maybe i should just say that;
I stop living life like how i used to.
Have i really lived life for others and not myself anymore?

Geminis; although they have the greater tendency to look at the big picture, to see both sides of an issue, to be compassionate, forgiving, and understanding;
they are still very easily agitated with a lot of inner conflicts (thanks so much to the Twins in them). One side will always probe for the answer and reason that they'll never get, and the other will always be trying to look positive in the issue. Sighs.

~~whatever.~~

period.

theories.

2011-08-25T23:38:00.001+08:00

17/01/11 - 06/07/11

#1: cars of manual and auto; sukditsin.
#2: to always walk on the right side.
#3: yumcha/yumyeh.

#4: to love ourselves and be self-loving when there's nobody to love us.
#5: to end the topic when 'fine' is mentioned.

#6: little girl's cupcake.

#7: sm7y, heck.

#8: equal share.

#9: no goodbyes allowed.

#10: mahtava.

#11: <9

#12: 幸福的感觉: 是当你不知不觉的笑，而且是发自内心的笑。那就是幸福。

#13: killer smiles are not as awesome as fatthao smiles.

#14: Talk to me, even if you are not in the mood. Unless I'm the reason.

#15: dont just be ready to catch, be ready to hold on too.

#16: <8

burnt.

que seja infinito.

period.

Just like that.

2011-08-23T22:43:00.003+08:00

23/08/2011

2PM- Like a movie

"오래된 영화 속에 우리가 있어
그 안에 우린 너무 행복해 보여
기억도 나지 않던 낯선 곳에서
우리 추억들을 찾고 있었어

눈물이 났어 아니
눈물이 나 지금도
널 생각하면 널 보고 있으면

되감아 봐도
다시 보고 또 봐도
I miss you more and more
널 잊을 수가 없어

*다신 누굴 사랑하지 않을 걸 알아
Cause I dont wanna let you go
내 기억 속에서

**내가 보는 영화 속의 주인공처럼
날 사랑하던 그 때로 돌아와줘
아무도 모르게

다시 내 곁으로
오래된 영화 속에 우리가 있어 (이제 기억이 나)
그 때 우리는 너무 어렸었지만 (다시 기억이 나)
시간은 내가 잠시 멈춘 곳에서
우리 사랑마저 멈춰 버렸어..."

Just very nicely written.

period.

trash (?)

2011-08-21T20:36:00.000+08:00

21/08/2011

Choose one from the following options.

A. Gift it

B. Burn it

C. Keep it
D. Throw it

and i actually settled for option D.
held on real tight, and made myself un-clench my grip on the book.
and tried very hard to not turn back and retrieve it from the bin.

duh. 有没有搞错. ><

okay.

i. dumped. it.

well well well.
留着也没意思了吧..
but to think of the effort and heart when i wrote and printed,
hmm.

but its better to not keep it, i guess.

eeeks. like ouch.
i dont like throwing stuffs i pre-made.

is it really thrown and gone?

period.

jjinja.

2011-08-21T10:11:00.000+08:00

21/08/2011

"为什么你要这样对我?"

woke up with that sentence ringing in my bloody headache.

this is insanity.
hate waking up like this.

period.

"Some memories last forever."; The Way We Were (1973).

2011-08-09T15:33:00.009+08:00

09/08/2011

Saw this on Oprah,

Barbra Streisand's song just captivated me.
The Way We Were.
Which is also the major hit movie back then,

considering that they really had the 'IT' couple look.
They just match. But still ended up separately.
Sad.

The best epic scene:

"Katie Morosky Gardner: I don't have the right style for you do I?
Hubbell Gardner: No you don't have the right style.
Katie Morosky Gardner: I'll change.
Hubbell Gardner: No, don't change. You're your own girl, you have your own style.
Katie Morosky Gardner: But then I won't have you. Why can't I have you?
Hubbell Gardner: Because you push too hard, every damn minute. There's no time to ever relax and enjoy living. Every things too serious to be so serious.
Katie Morosky Gardner: If I push too hard it's because I want things to be better, I want us to be better, I want you to be better. Sure I make waves you have I mean you have to. And I'll keep making them till you're everything you should be and will be. You'll never find anyone as good for you as I am, to believe in you as much as I do or to love you as much.
Hubbell Gardner: I know that.
Katie Morosky Gardner: Well then why?
Hubbell Gardner: Do you think if I come back its going to be okay by magic? What's going to change? What's going to be different? We'll both be wrong, we'll both lose.
Katie Morosky Gardner: Couldn't we both win?"

will watch this soon. sigh.

p/s: it's not a black and white movie. yays

period.

好了。

2011-08-06T17:04:00.004+08:00

06/08/2011

我不惹事了啦。
读书：）

and feeding my right brain with Suju's Superman.
damn jeng really.

p/s: tried uploading the vid, but there's no sound. so i deleted. :( oh well. watch here on youtube.

period.

种什么因，收什么果。

2011-08-05T23:43:00.003+08:00

05/08/2011

对我十位老公们和课本好; 好过对别人好。

谁知道他们对你又说又笑的时候，头脑里面到底在说些什么鬼话，在你背后又说些有的没的。

先想想自己到底是对或错吧。唉。

心淡？才不会再那么笨，浪费力气。
或许只样也好，我干嘛要做那么多。

好多人都说我不需要那么好，最多不就一拍两散。
付出了，牺牲了，可是我怎么觉得有时候她好像当做是应该的呢？
经历这一切，就只不过是为了以后大家能好好相处。
做人不要太过分。语气也应该客气一些好不好。
原来你也会感觉到生气，也会不爽。

让你感受一下那种滋味也好。

这样你或许能感觉到我那个时后的心情，

唯一不同的地方，就是你跟他已经不在一起了。

有时候，真的搞不懂你在想什么。

到底还值得吗。

还重要吗？

不知道。

P/S: 还有，如果你有在读，请你不要去当人家的翻译者。谢了。

period.

speechless.

2011-08-05T19:58:00.001+08:00

05/08/2011

心機很重。
看得出。

tsktsktsk

无话可说。

period.

sigh :')

2011-07-31T11:52:00.004+08:00

31/07/2011

V: 'There's a fine line between being stupid and being generous.'
S: 'Am I stupid?'

V: '*shakes head* You're strong, really, cus you have to face it everyday.'
S: '*asmilethatdidn'tquitereachmyeyes* Life.'

Life goes on without waiting..
So why should we all wait for people who's not waiting for us.
Kept repeating,

看得开就好。看得开就好。
There, just nice.
And, well, today..
Today. has. a. nice. date.
Topped everything I had..
Sighs.

p/s: But honestly, it wasn't that bad really. good job :D

period.

as long as everyone is happy.

2011-07-28T20:02:00.005+08:00

28/07/2011

Psychologically imagining myself in the middle of a huge meadow,

close my eyes and take a deep, deep breath..

Curve a smile, and open my eyes.

There, everything looks a lil bit nicer, a lil more pleasant.

Doesn't it?

-As long as she is happy, as long as everyone is happy.-

This one is working out pretty much perfectly.
A wee bit better than shutting both eyes and ears. (Although that might still be needed sometimes.)
Learn to accept, and learn to look at it with a smile and embrace with an open heart.
I realize that in the end, the way to emancipate the heart from locks,
is not to change the lock,
is not to seek out the old key that could unlock it,
is not to forever keep it shut,

but to make a new one, and keep it in your own possession.
At least for the time being.

Just so that the sense of permanence and security is back.

Those are the two major things that are hard to grasp alone.

After everything, I guess that this is finally the last straw to really shove me back into the right mind.
To finally accept everything. It's good in a way really. :)
But the sad thing is, along with the nice part, there's always the cruel truth too.
Realizing how almost every reaction to the matter was, well, a sad case.
Sigh. I got to know how people actually felt disappointed the way things turned out.

Like a twist in a story.

But the real disappointment, wasnt on the matter, but on the subject herself.
'I thought she's different now, thought that she changed really, but thats not what happened, eh?'
It was really surprising. To hear it from people who i thought they never knew.
But it seems like everyone knows, literally everyone.

Thats not a good thing.

All i can say is, well, another score for the her 'term'.

I dont adore the fact that she's getting negative feedback, cus, she still is my friend. A, bff.
I defend myself, but I'll defend for her too.
Cus she did not grab, we werent bonded anymore at that time.
It is just a fair call. Their response?

'Still, she shouldn't.'
Well. no comment. :) Staying neutral now and make life easy.

Yeah, break the ice, and melt the ice alright.

Cus i still want them in my life. :)

p/s: waiting for Super Junior's 5th album MV teaser is painstaking. should've been released today! i still wish there is a miracle to see Kibum's concept picture. An 11th pict please..

I miss thirteen members, At least have him back before two members leave for the army. Please. The last album, for now.
PROM15E TO 13ELIEVE. elf spirit.

bla bla and bla.

2011-07-28T14:38:00.002+08:00

28/07/2011

i have. brilliant eyes.
LOL.

wish i didn't.

as long as ... :x

2011-07-26T22:19:00.003+08:00

26/07/11

replaying:

Cry Me Out- Pixie Lott

It is all that is left of it.
Along with a handful of irony.
That's it. That's all.
And no more.

smh.

period.

spill the beans.

2011-07-25T17:08:00.003+08:00

25/07/11

But will you still tell me about it with your own words?
Will you tell me that it has already been done?
你会亲口告诉我吗？
Will you.
Or there is no need to.
Yeah that sounds kinda right.
ohmytian. tsk.
;_;

period.

now i know what the sorry was meant for.

2011-07-25T14:01:00.004+08:00

25/07/11

Is my intuitions always that strong?
Well then that would have explained why i was feeling so overwhelmed that day.
I am just that awesome.
Honestly, i dont feel angry, dont feel crushed, dont feel betrayed or etc.
I just feel numb i guess.
HA.
and a lil foolish for even asking amee the question.

duhh.

Not a surprise, but i guess i really gotta cope with it this time.
haha. Did they think that i knew?
I never knew.

And now i do.

LOL cincai ba.

guess i can only smile because it once happened. :)

period.

skeptical.

2011-07-24T23:34:00.007+08:00

24/07/11

Amee: "You did nothing. you did nothing wrong. you did nothing."

I know. but i cant help being a saint?

Well. a saint is the most i could try to be; but never a cupid.

Okay. maybe i'm too selfish to even be a saint.

I wonder.

If i were to have that talk with her,
what is there to say.
Since 'sorry' is no longer applicable, i think.
Besides 'sorry',
would you have anything else to say?
Besides that,
is there anything else that should be talked about?

Ohmytian. i know i'm bullshit-ing.

~~oh wait. i already know.~~

Rephrase: i knew nothing(25/07/11).
waiting for the day it happens back to you maybe?

I'll console you then. :P

period.

raping the replay button.

2011-07-24T15:14:00.003+08:00

24/07/11

replaying in iTunes,
Kyla - I dont want you to go.

"Oh it's just too much
Takin' all the whole world all by myself
But it's not enough
Unless I stop trusting somebody else,
Somebody else
And love again

And from the start
Maybe we were tryin' too hard
It's crazy coz it's breakin' our hearts
Things can fall apart but I know,
That I don't want you to go, no
Maybe we were tryin' to hard
It's crazy coz it's breakin' our hearts
Things can fall apart but I know,
That I don't want you to go."

i'm tired. :'(

没完没了。

2011-07-23T16:58:00.010+08:00

23/07/11

"不要做自私的人，不然的活很累，不要去计较太多，其实，若计较，那时候你已经失去了很多很多，还有最重要的东西，一颗真心，别人与你相交的真心。"

爱一个人，

应该懂得放手

应该学会祝福

应该明白对方过得开心才是最重要的。

明知道不可能了，
就应该懂得让别人填满我们之前的位置。
这，谁不知道嘛。

这个道理就这么简单，

但有几个真真能做得到呢？

我这样的确是很自私，
我也想说服自己，
不要在纠缠不停。

我这样到底是为了什么？

到底又能得到什么？
最后，还不是什么都没有，

而只是让自己更难过。

缘分，跟发明是一样的。也是源于偶然.

只是，这种发明跟其他发明不一样，它没有专利权，随时会给人抢走。

看开一点，好吗？:')

period.

Postulation.

2011-07-23T15:23:00.002+08:00

The best moments in life,
are somehow the worst moments too;

Because you want to hold on to things that are supposed to be freed.
Things that are dear to us,
reminisce moments that would make you smile, bitter-sweetly so.
Things that meant so much to you,
and maybe only to you alone now..

People kept asking if we hate that person.
Thing is, you'll never be able to hate that person,
no matter what they do.
And we never know why.

Silly? Dont think so.

Thank you vivian, for sharing. :)

I miss having maddi and viv w. and angie.
The 'sleepover' or rather 'talk-all-night' night we had months ago was one of the best.

No secrets, no pretense, no nothing.

p/s: Ha. i always wanted to hug her for the last time.
But i never did, and there was never a right time.

There will never be.

period.

limit.

2011-07-23T07:11:00.005+08:00

22/07/11

And oh.
Go. Go enjoy and do whatever that makes you happy for the time you have left here,

and next year when you come back.
Just dont do it in front of me and come say fucking sorry afterwards.
Both of you.
Closing both eyes has a limit alright. Dont push it.

Suen la. Talk mut chut la.
I couldnt even have a few hours of your night without her in between. :\

Besides, i think it is really no longer my business who you meddle with...

No rights to. right?

If hating helps, all the lovers in the world would've hated their ex to hell.

Naww. to infinity and beyond is more like it.
LOL.

p/s: so looking forward to see my BFF back for speech day and sports day.

i think she'd demand serious update on my sort of messed up moments.
ciao.

period.

chris's nineteenth.

2011-07-22T23:30:00.002+08:00

22/07/11

@Josephine's.
With laikuan, ada, py, chia, yitmei, viv law and louis.
Completed my "little dainty black book of la sugarfree".
Made with heart and soul.

HEHE.
Hope you loved the surprise louis did.

Although he took kinda long for that :)

shin ♥ chris.
cousinssss muahahha.

HAPPY NINETEENTH BIRTHDAY CHRIS NG.

period.

genuine happiness.

2011-07-21T19:28:00.007+08:00

21/07/11

"Why I am feeling all the feelings that I'm feeling now

And I got more on my mind

Then I've got on my plate.

I love you one, a two, a three shoobee-doo, I love you four, that's more than I can afford.

And I can tell, some day that I'm gonna say the truth. I love you five times more than any boy from before.

'Cause all they really cared about was whether you put out,

And I truly believe, That this love could be."

-I Love You 5; Never Shout Never

I wonder why i have never stumbled upon "Never Shout Never".
The songs are like aww.
Getting back a portion of the hangfuk feelings i used to have.
They are like, jason mraz plus uhm jonas brothers?
more to jason mraz.
It made me smile.

period.

put yourself in my shoes. then speak.

2011-07-21T16:06:00.014+08:00

21/07/11

At least she is there to comfort me?
Well hello.

I comfort myself more than she comforts me.

Have you ever put yourself in my shoes before you say anything?

Like how you wanted to know what me and the vege is talking about.
Ever thought of how i felt like knowing what you two talk about too?

Ever thought of how i wna know what you two have so much to talk about?
Ever thought of how i never ever doubted you,

never ever breathed a word about not fancying how close you two have grown?
It was because i really really never thought that anything would happen.

Never thought that a limit was necessary.

Like how you asked me if i minded you going out with her when i confronted you.
Like how i said No because i believed that i was just being obnoxious.

Like how i made myself be the better one because she wasnt mine to hold on to anymore.
Like how i freaking believed that she will never just fall for you like that.
Like how i told the vege that you are every ounce worth it,
Because i somehow held on to the belief that what you felt for her,
what you would do for her, what you would do to last it,

was all real.
And honestly, i still believe you do.
I dont know why. And i know it is not my business, and has nothing to do with me.

And the fact that

Between you two, i chose you?
Between relationship and friendship, i chose you?
Because i trusted that for now and for me, i consider you as one of my bff.
And for that, i definitely wont trade anything else.

I just dont know how sure it is for you.
I close both my eyes so that nothing is different.
So that things would be as if nothing has changed.

It seemed okay to me, and genuine to me.
I just wished that it was the same for you,
and nothing is fake between us.
I mean it when i said that

i hope nothing would affect us, nothing would change,
and stay mahtava together.

I wasn't acting.

ᵃᶰᵈ ᶦ ʰᵒᵖᵉ ʸᵒᵘ'ʳᵉ ᶰᵒᵗ ᵗᵒᵒ⋅

period.

realization.

2011-07-19T20:53:00.010+08:00

19/07/11 ʰᵃʰ⋅ ᵗʰᵉ ᵈᵃᵗᵉ⋅

Sat at like the wrong seat in tuition? -__-

Noticing things which are like such an eyesore.

oh well maybe only to my eyes. i am ddl7y-ing. so?
And 3 hours of tuition after school kinda drains me out.

Teacher: "The group of singers is summarized into..."
Me: "What? Samurai? " LOL

And zomg please la. Form 5 kids saying me 'ke ai'?
"ew".

i hate that.
Then after the text msg viv showed me,
-I want shinwei to sayang me too!-
"EW!!"
Three rows of students ahead of me in tuition turned and glanced at me. damn.

Pasar malam. Pass.
Wasnt in a gleeful mood for that. And definitely not in a pleasant mood to be there.
Urgh. Okay get it. Get it. Get it.
Definitely no longer the priority, but an option.

~~Fml.~~

Kthxbye.

period.

mental block.

2011-07-18T22:05:00.004+08:00

18/07/11

speech impediment.

Prefectorial Board General Meeting.
HAHAHA

crap i practically greeted, introduced, and im like shoot.
mental block for 3 sec?
then i continued with my speech.
im the first one for god's sake.
oh well oh well.
"I promise nothing to SMI, because action speaks louder than words.
To me, promises are just empty words without execution.
So, rather than just talking, I'd rather you all watch and wait for the change we can bring about together in the future."
Or so that was what i intended to say.
Maybe the nervous jigglies that came from god knows where made me fidget here and there.
LOL.
whatever. just make sure im not like that if i have a next time.
so silly :P
Don's ending for his speech is like such an awesome excuse.
"And, due to time constrict, I shall end my speech..."

(Note: I'm not saying you are awesome. -___-)
Hmm.
Hope i didnt screw up horribly.
I mean i did screw up, just cross fingers in wasnt THAT awful eh.

Didnt know why, but my 1 hour nap today, plus the environment,

somehow reminded me of that day when she was boarding the plane back here.
And she called before she boarded.
Which is like two months ago. swt.
Cus i was lying on my bed that day too, hmm.
Just had the same atmosphere i guess, except everything is different now.
OH WELL.
and yes good job shinwei, practice back your old tactic, it works for now. ><

p/s: LIL VEGE, ask la you. since curiosity is eating you inside out. :P

LOL im sorry kay :) but yeah. no comment bout that. i dont think so, but i dont know and i dont wish to know and i still dont like the idea of it, and i.. gees. me: just ignore la. close both ear and eyes, even if there is nothing, or something, or nothing much, or etc. ...

incoherent. whatever. its not like avoiding is helping. total lol.

period.

eating roti planta, sipping teh ais.

2011-07-17T16:26:00.007+08:00

17/07/11

I know people care.
Brothers, sisters, and you. Gratitude felt.
But sometimes sorry just dont make the cut, you know?
It makes not much of a difference, cus some things are just not meant to be.

And thats what we're supposed to cope with.

I know that. I do.

But you know how sometimes people just refuse to do the right things.
I remember how i used to nag my girlfriends, telling them not to be so silly to be upset about their relationship.
Telling them to get a life and get over it.
And ta-da, I get them now. Its not like they dont know, they just refuse to.

Oh well, life, right? :)
Im suddenly having this feeling that we're gonna laugh like god knows how about all this issue next year in cny. haha

Gees. People have to stop saying that i am nice.
I know i smile, gives you the girl-next-door feeling.
Kids prefer me, colleagues like me, parents remember me.

So I give people good vibes, nice impressions.

Uh well, I am not that nice.
I have flaws, I am spiteful, I am selfish.
I am stubborn, I insist in hanging on to issues, things, people, that matter to me.
Even if I am nice, well,
I wished nice would be enough for everything.
LOL. And yeah i know im like asking for a slap for talking crap about these nice issues. :D

hahaha

AND, i remember that i kinda told viv and pan that im so gonna b*tchslap whoever that tells me that they are not worth it AGAIN. Ridiculous.

Its not up to you alone to value your own worth.

(i think this line has serious grammar problem.. LOL wtv)

p/s: And oh, I wouldn't have lost a million bucks if you didnt read my blog.
I didnt cross your mind before it, no? :P

Hang fuk food, it is not just about the food, but the memories behind them.
Strawberry milkshake, cupcakes, carrot cake, roti planta, uhh heineken? HAHA.
Maybe the milkshake will give me the feelings again, just maybe.

i want to feel like the soft ripples in the water,
calm, and just spread out.

period.

Women's mind: An overpopulated place. Always.

2011-07-16T22:39:00.007+08:00

16/07/11

It's kinda hilarious when I find myself sucked deep into all these emotional bullshit.
Say for example, I was watching tv in the morning, and ohgees, a tear just trickled down.
I was surprised, cus I was crying without realizing.

I just clamped my mouth shut, and hugged the pillow.
Wiped my eyes, afraid that my mum would walk out and see me like that.
damned.
That moment, a thousand and million things just flashed through my mind.

I see myself, school, deputy nomination, exams, stress, and her.
I silently cursed myself for being in that state.

I wished I had someone's shoulder to cry on.

I wanted someone to just hug me protectively where I can just bury myself and weep like a kid.
I just wanted someone to be there. Just right beside me and hold onto me while I just fall apart.
I just wanted to lose it.

I've been holding myself together too long.

I thought of calling my brother, but naww. I dont want to start from scratch.
I thought of chris, but she was unavailable. I dont blame her.

I desperately need someone, and in the end I just decided, I'll have to be on my own again.
I saw dai gor's post on my wall.

Use emotional swings to the best.
I havent really found out exactly how yet.

But if I were to have the swings, might as well use it to the max, right?
Exams, just study.
Prefectorial board, screw it and go with the flow.
Her, *bitter* it was only sixteen days. How bad could it be..

~~(Knowing that every posts was never for you anymore. Watching her falling for the one sitting next to you in everything. And watching the one sitting next to you texting ah p...)~~
Okay shut up. LOL.
Sighs. If..

Okay shutup shinweitan before you try to be nice and say something you'll definitely regret saying out. I admit. I cant say what chin said out. I'm just not that generous.

cinninecai la. dont ddy now please.

i beg you shinweitan. dont please dont. :'(

period.

A sixth form survivor. will be.

2011-07-15T22:06:00.006+08:00

15/07/11

To pledge to not get emotionally attached.
Cus it will only get you mentally strained, physically restrained.
I remember pledging to stay single for a year till 19th June 2012.
That sounds silly, but I think that's whats gonna happen.

Unless, I get myself another nice tb? HAHA.

Cus boys are just not appealing to me right now.

lol. bullshit. doublev's.
Besides, time flies like nobody's business.

Yeah, getting stressed up and regretting a lil for handing in the Deputy Lady nomination letter.

(Did I just signed myself a chance to get into loads of work? )
And studies and the exam. and also emotional swings.

I really thank Sam for the brief talk we had today. :)
I was like, telling him just really brief and muted parts of my scrambled mind.
And like, 'Hey, sorry. I know you don't really understand. But yeah, things have been hard. Get me?'
And Sam was like, 'Yeah, I think I understand.'

And he told me about his pledge to not get emotionally attached before he enrolled for f6.
So yeah, he actually knows what I'm talking about.

Sigh. And yes, holding all the pieces together and dont just fall apart yet. Right?
Somehow, sooner or later, we'll go through everything, and we'll look back and say,

"Hey, I did it. The worst is over. And let's go through the next 'worst' thing."

Just like what they say: 'If it's not okay, it's not the end.'
p/s: I always blog before I write MUET essays, cus blogging just opens my mind.
The only thing now is, I'n not writing MUET, I'm thinking what to say on Monday during the prefect's Annual General Meeting. 'Why should I be chosen as the Deputy Lady Head?'
oh gees. why on earth? I have no idea too. And I dont know if I still want to run for it.

just want to lean my forehead to the floor and cry.

period.

Cross off the ones you've done.

2011-07-15T22:01:00.001+08:00

15/07/11

1. had sex.
2. bought condoms.
3. gotten pregnant.
4. failed a class.
5. kissed a boy.
~~6. kissed a girl.~~
~~7. used a little paper bag for lunch.~~
~~8. have/had a job.~~
~~9. slipped on ice.~~
~~10. missed the school bus~~.
~~11. left the house without my wallet.~~
~~12. bullied someone on the internet.~~
13. sexted.
14. had sex in public.
~~15. played on a sports team.~~
16. smoked weed.
17. smoked cigarettes.
18. smoked a cigar.
~~19. drank alcohol.~~
20. watched “The Breakfast Club”
21. been overweight.
~~22. been underweight.~~
23. had an eating disorder.
~~24. been to a wedding.~~
~~25. made fun of someone for being fat.~~
~~26. been on the computer for 5 hours straight.~~
~~27. watched tv for 5 hours~~
~~28. been late for work.~~
~~29. been late for school.~~
30. kissed in the rain.
~~31. showered with someone else.~~
~~32. failed my drivers test.~~
~~33. ran a mile in less than 10 minutes.~~
~~34. been outside my home country.~~
~~35. been on a road trip longer than 5 hours.~~
~~36. had lice.~~
~~37. gotten my heart broken.~~
38. had a credit card.
39. been to a professional sports game.
40. broken a bone.
41. been unhappy about my weight.
~~42. won a trophy.~~
~~43. cut myself.~~
44. had an STD.
45. got engaged.
~~46. been on a diet.~~
47. tried out to be on a tv show.
~~48. rode in a taxi.~~
~~49. been to prom~~.
~~50. played a drinking game.~~
~~51. stayed up for 24 hours or more.~~
~~52. been to a concert.~~
53. had a three-some.
~~54. had a crush on someone of the same sex.~~
55. been in a car accident.
~~56. had braces.~~
~~57. learned another language.~~
~~58. killed an animal.~~
59. been at a yard sale.
60. been to a japanese steakhouse.
~~61. wore make up.~~
~~62. talked to someone via webcam~~.
63. lost my virginity before I was 18.
64. had my wisdom teeth taken out.
65. kissed someone a different race than myself.
~~66. snuck out of the house.~~
67. bought porn.
~~68. had a virus on my computer.~~
69. had oral sex.
~~70. dyed my hair.~~
71. gone skinny dipping.
72. graduated from college.
~~73. wore someone else’s clothes.~~
74. voted in a presidential election.
75. rode in an ambulance.
76. rode in a helicopter.
77. caught the stove on fire.
~~78. got in a fight.~~
~~79. met someone famous.~~
~~80. been on vacation.~~
~~81. been on an airplane.~~
~~82. been on a boat.~~
~~83. broken something expensive.~~
84. had surgery.
85. kissed someone before I was 14.
~~86. beat a video game.~~
~~87. found something valuable on the ground.~~
~~88. made a survey.~~
~~89. stalked someone on facebook/myspace.~~
~~90. prank called someone.~~
~~91. been to a library outside of school.~~
~~92. spent over $100 shopping in one day.~~
~~93. cut my hair and hated it.~~
~~94. peed outside.~~
95. went fishing.
~~96. helped with charity.~~
97. taken a pregnancy test.
98. been rejected by a crush.
99. been suspended from school.
~~100. broken a mirror.~~

period.

woah.

2011-07-14T22:54:00.002+08:00

14/07/11 : before bedtime.

I'm telling you.

shinweitan is just about the most peculiar thing you'll ever know.
My moodswings are like ...
I wonder if I'm feeling nice now.

Just cus I successfully accomplished my MUET essay.
heees. daebak.
Keep going. and keep focused.
At least for now.

period.

Jump, and fall.

2011-07-14T19:15:00.003+08:00

14/07/11

Sensation to implode, need to explode.
I just feel like jumping into an abyss,
close my eyes,
hear the wind swish through my ears,
and just let go of everything that is holding me back.
Ah.
Wouldn't that be nice? Just nice.
I wish I could break down in the shower and cry again,
Let my muffled screams out of my lungs,
And hold on dearly to the pieces of me that's threatening to fall apart.
Ironic. I just told my friends that we can't crack. yet.
And I'm on the verge of breaking into a thousand million splinters.

It felt like so many had happened,
where in reality, nothing has happened.
Not on the exterior, and not to my eyes.

Its all the behind-the-scenes,
all the things you never get to see with your own eyes,

or hear with your own ears.
So why bother ?

Well, that can't be helped.

I just. want to let loose.
But haha. I gotta keep myself silent.
Can't afford to show it out, and I don't feel like explaining why either.
Poker face mmm. Just don't see past my mask mummy.

Please. I don't want to talk about it.
Just. leave me alone? Melancholic much.
I wish I had darling bieber with me.

Too bad, she's not here in this lovely ol' hometown.

p/s: And oh, top it off with my first exam? Its in two weeks time.
I'm toast.

period.

as if i dont know that i should.

2011-07-13T21:06:00.002+08:00

13/07/11

Try to,

Build ~~walls instead of bridges~~ bridges instead of walls.

period.

well.

2011-07-12T21:09:00.006+08:00

12/07/11

Oh, you know whats the problem with exes ?
They just keep coming back for more.
Some hoping to have another chance, another go at it.
Some just hoping to redeem back some of their lost happiness with the one they felt contented with.
But there is just one tiny thing.
Some realize that an ex is an ex for a reason.
And some just dont.

ˢᵐᶦʳᵏˢ⋅ ᵗʰᵉˢᵉ ʷᵒʳᵈˢ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵇᵉᵉᶰ ʳᵘᶰᶰᶦᶰᵍ ᵗʰʳᵒᵘᵍʰ ᵐʸ ᵐᶦᶰᵈ ᵗʰᵉ ʷʰᵒᶫᵉ ᵈᵃʸ⋅

period.

unasked-for.

2011-07-12T19:43:00.000+08:00

12/07/11

oreo cheesecakeballs.
ha-ha.

period.

I dnu what to do with myself.

2011-07-10T00:48:00.004+08:00

10/07/11

I wish I never asked for you to accept the request.
I wish you two never met.
I wish you two were never friends.
I wish my birthday wasn't the reason you both have each other's number.
I wish I was the one who could be there for you night after night.
I wish I was the one who was available.
I wish that we never have to end because till the end the feeling was not deep enough.
Or, I wish I never had to exist between both of you.

I hate being the karma I am implementing on myself.
I hate the fact of how I am telling myself what I used to feel like telling your ex.
I hate eating back my own words.
That 'she is no longer yours, and I have every right to have her now.'
I hate being so vulnerable for you.
I hate the fact that an ex is an ex for a reason.
I hate the fact that I know there is nothing, but there is definitely the feeling.
I hate feeling how an ex would feel like.
I hate you for falling for her.
I hate you for making her the one who is replacing everything that used to be me.

I hate watching her text you in tuition when it used to be me.
I hate seeing her name blinking on your phone.
I hate seeing everything she has that was from you.
And I hate that I am not gracious enough to let someone else fill up a new chapter of your life.

When closing both eyes or both ears,
When ignorance just doesn't do the trick anymore,

I don't know what else I can do.
Do we need to be like this? I didn't want to either.
Part of me is fully aware of what I should do,
And part of me just wants to close up and live in denial.
I'm so sorry when the other part of me overtakes and make me go through everything again.
Even when I have said that I am completely, completely done with it.

AND I am looking forward to the day when I honestly don't give a fcuk anymore.

Cus I just care too much.

This is just so bitter. People are saying I'm silly cus I'm still being a nice sport and saying nice stuffs for her.
Cus I still believe that she really loves her, and I don't want to see her sad.
But sometimes I doubt if it is even true anymore.
When she tells you off, and then still texts you?
I really hoped both my eyes were closed and I didn't have to see that.
This is hopeless. I am hopeless.

Why did all this had to happen.

And why did it have to be you and her.

period.

return.

2011-07-09T23:58:00.002+08:00

07/09/11

Weird. I actually planned to return to blogging when she leaves and go back.
Naww. It doesnt make much difference now.
Besides, I dont have my diary with me right now, and this blog is dead as ever.
So yeah, sorry blog, that I have neglected you for so long.
I had tons to write, tons of memories to keep etched here, but I guess its better not to anyway.
Since I kinda lose the strawberry milkshake feelings I used to have.
mm hmm.
:)

period.

wounds.

2011-07-06T21:20:00.003+08:00

06/07/11

"I wish i could sayang u more.
If my hug could heal

I would have hug u for the damn whole day jo"

It would heal. But I think it would hurt in some parts too.

period.

notes after notes.

2011-07-06T13:08:00.001+08:00

06/07/11

and it's still never ending.

period.

things change. people too.

2011-07-04T23:30:00.003+08:00

04/07/11
so many could happen in two weeks, let alone four months.
it would have been one month.
our, one month.
period.

oops, failed.

2011-03-16T17:53:00.001+08:00

SML 99! ish

i wished my driving instructor would gimme a lousy car to practice with.

or i wish he wont maintain his kancil is such a perfect condition. seriously!

i got Laluan E. easy.

i got a new car. BUT everything inside is like omfgwth!

everything is like falling into pieces. stupid car. low maintenance.

even when it is in free mode, the gear shift will be like wobbling.

i was so scared that i'll break it. zzz

so when i change gears i would instinctively look down a while, not my fault please.

and the tester cut one mark, cus he said if i look down my steering control will be gone.

hello, my car is going perfectly straight and well-controlled please. yer

everything was going perfectly well.. until this big truck was signalling right and stopped.

i was supposed to go straight. so i waited behind this truck for almost 5 mins.

and cars keep cutting me from behind.

there was a fairly large amount of space beside the truck for me to go through, so..

i was thinking to go or not. then fine. i signal left and i swear i never hated a Camry so much.

it gave me no mercy and zoomed past me. fml!

then he said "berhenti di depan."\

im like ohmygod you gotta be kidding.

i was like "please please please" and stupid guy keep marking cross cross cross.

sigh if i know i'll just take the goddamn package to pass :(

lol but i knew it was my fault anyway. hehe impatient. should've just waited behind the stupid truck. oh well :D

period.

nervous spasm.

2011-03-15T23:47:00.001+08:00

driving test is tomorrow. and im nervous like ZOMG.

thankyousomuchchoywaihung for his awesome consoling : "You must pass! or else your mum will scold you."

err... thanks for adding stress? haha

must i make you post something then only you'll post? :S

but seriously laugh sei me when i saw joe's comment.

thanks for wishing :)

hahaha thank you!

period.

a day out.

2011-03-14T23:25:00.002+08:00

they were in parade. im going jj. oh well. ==

wtv.

watched "Big Momma" with yuenhua, angeline, viv t, angie and seriously pure coincidence,

ALL OF THEM ARE WEARING PINK.

superohmygod. they reminded me of the gang in "Mean Girls" the movie.

"He's a lyrical~ miracle~ *HEY* baybehh"

omg love the song of this Big Momma movie by Prodi-G.

so nice.

the tune was stuck in my head all day :D

then we went over to De Garden. yumcha at Wong Kok with winnie joining us.

finalllly said hi to jason. working at Oh Sushi!

haha really just a 'hi' and i had to leave cus it looked like it was gonna rain soon :\

went home and ate real fast at the dining room (not in front of the tv- it'll take me ages if i eat in front of the tv XD ). just because you said you'll skype me tonight ==

instead, spent the whole night with facebook being a b*tchlag, LOL went to tumblr and thats it.

didnt even feel like blogging. moodless :\

and as usual tumblr was full of lovey-dovey posts and pictures,

got me thinking of you and again i'm like "get a life shinweitan" ==

today we spend the day talking and talking non-stop like we used to in class,

aww i miss the days. and omfg of all of us, the fastest to get herself into a tiramisu status, was the least expected one.

viv t. said she was expecting me or angie first.

oh well. i doubt if me and him are even "unofficially official".

whateverrr.

period.

me. choc indulgence.

2011-03-11T17:45:00.001+08:00

We are playing a game. Someone proposed that we GIRLS do something special on Facebook to help with Breast Cancer Awareness. Its easy, and Id like you to join us to help it spread. Last year it was about writing the color of the bra that your were wearing in your Fb status and it left men wondering for days why the girls had random colors as their status. This year it has to do with your relationship status. You will where you are, by posting one of the codes below. Remember - don't reply to this message just type your 1 word response in your status box on your profile. Then cut and paste this whole message into a new message and send it along to your female friends....

American Brownies: It's complicated
Chocolate Indulgence: I'm single
Oreo Cheese: I'm a touch n go woman
Pecan Butterscotch: Engaged
Tiramisu: In a relationship
Moist Chocolate Cake: I'm married
Chocolate Banana: I'm "the other one"
Brownies Walnut: Can't find the right one
White Chocolate Macadamia: Wish I was single
New York Cheese: Can't wait to get married

The bra game reached TV, lets get this one to do the same here.

Remember: breast cancer affects everyone at every age. Self-check only takes a few minutes!

period.

steamboat + bbq + illegal sleepover

2011-03-09T23:16:00.000+08:00

had dinner st SKY (not going back there) with maddi, choo, steph, viv tham, subaa, yuenhua, and angie. was really full. omg ate soooo much.

then went home for our illegal sleepover (my mum didnt know) haha.

watched Saw 6 then finally bathed and wore our pajamas :)

heated up the cinnamon roll with cream cheese icing that i bought for them from MA.

then continued with The Unborn. zomg.

shinweitan can never watch ghost movies. horror and blood is okay.

but DEFINITELY not ghosts. eeeek

then went upstairs to sleep (sorry hun; broke my promise ^^) at 4.30 am (?).

ended up talking and having heart-to-heart talks and lots of rofl laughs with them ♥

i really tried to stop saying 'don't DDY' and 'zhan zhan'. HAHAHA

punishment was if i say it, they'll have to slap me.

so i ended up saying "SSY lah" = siu siu yeh

LOLS

then it was already 6am. planned to call winnie and say goodluck for her exams but nah.

i off the lights and forced them to sleep.

cus we were gonna wake up at 8 hahaha.

p/s: i was really happy that you finally skyped with me tonight. really really happy.

i love skyping with you, fyi.

and sorry i broke my promise of sleeping at 3 am ♥

period.

numb.

2011-03-05T14:28:00.008+08:00

i never know why was it only you that made me like that.

this. is the second time you make me feel so numb.

numb in front of my laptop. and only my eyes scanning through your words again and again.

figurng out what was wrong.

you said i've changed. i wonder how.

you said i'm different from how you first know me. i wonder where.

and you said i made you disappointed. sad. whatever.

all i know is that every time you say this;

all i care to do is think what have i done.

you said you dont know how to tell me.

well then that is so not gonna solve things.

i. have always been independent. i'd never want to rely on someone.

i'm not some vulnerable lady who gets easily hurt.

"I'll never tell him how much he made me cry that day."

this tumblr post is real.

the 'one and only time' i had tears falling for you.

this time. i had my heart shielded.

if you feel sad, the same way it goes with me.

i can feel my heart go numb.

before you tell me what and where you think i've changed,

i'm not going to say anything that will mess up things between us.

'... i wonder when are you telling me yours.'

much love.

period.

SUPER SHOW 3 TICKET LAUNCH.

2011-02-19T22:58:00.001+08:00

ticket launch for SUPER JUNIOR'S SUPER SHOW 3 LIVE IN MALAYSIA.

date: 19 March 2011
venue: T-Hop zone, 6th floor, Sg. Wang Plaza.
launch time: 10 am.

OMG. i was on the bus which was heading towards Bukit Jalil Golf and Country Club.
i was just tagging on the bus ride cus my mum was going to her company's conference.
it was already 10 am and i am still on the way to KL. like wtf seriously.
jenny was already queuing in line for me.
"THE WHOLE FLOOR IS THE LINE", and i was double wtf.
i seriously hate ELFs burning passion at times like this. HAHAHA jk.
anyways, jenny even had to let people pass her cus i wasnt even there yet.
she suddenly told me the RM 486 tickets are sold out.
f i seriously was going to cry in the car. i was already on my way to sg. wang.
i texted jenny, telling her that its okay if she couldnt hold up for me any longer.
cus her train is at 12.55 pm and it was already 12.30 pm.
she told me she wouldnt give up and have me wait for another 6 hours. cus she already queued up for 3 hours for me.
i bolted up and damn i cursed the elevator cus it kept going down and when it finally moved up, it kept stopping on every friggin' floor.
once i reached 6th floor, seriously, no joke.
i went out of the door, and OMGOSH. the line is there.
i asked a guy, "What's this line for?" "For Super Junior."
I couldnt believe my ears. ITS FREAKING LONG.
i kept running and running to the front and i almost thought that the line would never end.
imagine Ladies Garden at De Garden. The shops on the 6th floor was like that.
and the line was winding and turning like a maze. D:
jenny was right up front at the main counter and i was like omfg THANKYOU JENNY and hugged her.
she had to go. im reeeaaaally sorry. instead of spending two hours to walk around, she had to sweat and queue up for me.
and guess what; RM486 TICKETS IS HELL NOT SOLD OUT.
L5 is five rows from behind. L6 is seven rows from behind.
so bought L6 tickets. its in the middle :) hell yes.

I'm one of the lucky 9500 ELFs to be in SS3. Blessed ♥

period.

D:

2011-02-18T19:44:00.013+08:00

you never know how little it takes to make a woman jealous.

God. i'm so friggin' paranoid.

we are nothing. we weren't even anything.

so wth is wrong with me?

crazy bitch me.

but like seriously. i am kinda mad at him.

grr.

‎"Jealousy is nothing more than a fear of abandonment."

which spells insecurity.

period.

;)

2011-02-16T19:19:00.001+08:00

"女人对于自己喜欢的男人，都会希望他在细节上更花心思

女人是很容易在细节上被感动的。也就是很容易搞定的啦! "

and so. that's all we ever need from you boys.

a lil bit of heart and thought.

period.

on facebook likes.

2011-02-15T19:38:00.000+08:00

'What is wrong?'

'Nothing.'

'Why cant you tell me?'

'Cause you're the problem.'

♥

period.

define: BF and GF.

2011-02-14T19:40:00.000+08:00

有一个男孩和一个女孩从小一起长大，青梅竹马.

他们小时候，一次，男孩对女孩说：

“我是你的BF……”

女孩问：

“什么是BF？”

男孩说：

“是Best Friend的意思。

后来他们长大了，又一次，

男孩对女孩说：

“我是你的BF……”

女孩问：

“什么是BF？”

男孩说：

“是Boy Friend的意思。”

再后来他们结婚生子，一起生活了一辈子，幸幸福福，美美满满。

一直到他们到了风烛残年……

夕阳下，两位白发苍苍的老人——

男孩对女孩说：

“我是你的BF……"

女孩问：

“什么是BF？”

男孩微笑回答“Be Forever！”

_______________________________________________

有一个女孩和一个男孩从小一起长大，青梅竹马。

他们小时候，一次，女孩对男孩说：

“我是你的GF……”

男孩问：

“什么是GF？”

女孩说：

“是Good Friend的意思。

后来他们长大了，又一次，女孩对男孩说：

“我是你的GF……”

男孩问：

“什么是GF？”

女孩说：

“是Girl Friend的意思。”

再后来他们结婚生子，一起生活了一辈子，幸幸福福，美美满满.

直到他们到了风烛残年……

夕阳下，两位白发苍苍的老人——

女孩对男孩说：

“我是你的GF……＂

男孩问：

“什么是GF？”

女孩微笑回答：

“Give Forever！”

period.

14.02.2011

2011-02-14T19:10:00.001+08:00

HAPPY VALENTINE'S.

and hey. HAPPY MONDAY.

its just a normal day for everyone *minus the lovely couples.*

and i was kinda mad that he didnt wish me early.

oh well.

that one word made me happy enough.

i felt flustered; just so you know ;)

xoxos,

period.

cny day 11.

2011-02-13T01:46:00.000+08:00

HAPPY VALENTINE'S EVE.

zawesomeeeee night at work.

i was at the pasta counter.

i was playing with the bowl of bacon fat.

chris asked me if i'd like a spoonful.

i jokingly said okay, closed my eyes, opened my mouth and said "AH~"

michael pushed yu.

yu pushed chris.

and wth chris poured bacon fat on my hair and apron.

WTF. ewwwwww. the ends of my hair is like soooooo oily and i smell like bacon.

ohh shit!

washed my hair thrice with hand soap and i still smell like bacon fats.

great.

it valentine's eve and im drenched in bacon fat.

next. i lost my phone. LOL

michael took it.

and thennnnnn i was bloody hell emo.

moodless shit. its almost 12. its almost valentines.

OH WELL. its just MONDAY.

and hell you.

you did not wish me. thankyou so much.

period.

cny day 10.

2011-02-12T02:49:00.001+08:00

SECOND ROUND AT MY PLACE :D

gamble addicts muahahhaha.

angie, yitmei, amelia, v-tjen, chia, leeyen, chris and jensen came first and started playing.

then the big big MA gang came in after work; zhengyu, eric, jordan, fei fai, kar fei and jack.

someone said they smelled like pizza. HAHAH.

aww. three servers and three pizzaioli in my house. haha

they even went to the wrong house and asked me to open the gate.

i was like "huh, open the gate, there's no one outside ==."

hahah. i wonder if they scared that pity neighbour.

2 bikes and 2 cars outside with eric calling my name HAHAH.

he told me he couldn't come. and he called me at 12, "Open the door please."

i was like, "What?" shocked. stunned. whatever.

david, joe, and sai kit came.

damn tension. it felt weird cus i refused to reply him in the afternoon.

"hey forever dont reply me la."

"hou ah."

whoopsie. so yeah. damn awkward there. plus with my mum there.

sighs. i took a bloody ugly picture with him.

chris took a pict with louis.

later that night when everyone left; my mum asked me why of all people i only took a pict with him, and why chris took a pict with louis.

i just told her its because its reeeeaaallly difficult to get a pict with them :P

LOL. and the awesome thing is, they actually found my house without any directions or gps.

only my address and i just said it was near courts.

they just searched.

thankyousomuchformakingit. *hugs* if only she wasnt standing there :\ ish.

so it ended pretty early. at 1am. guess its cus my mum was there HAHA.

and the fact that the banker lose :D

oh yeah. happppy.

period.

cny day 9.

2011-02-11T01:44:00.001+08:00

not much today.

woke up at 2. worked. ate.

LOLs.

and planned for tmr night :D

second round at my place. heeeees.

highpitch: *THANKYOU BYEBYE!*

MA's servers trademark.

ahah. nerdnoob look. i know.

period.

cny day 8. pai tin gong!

2011-02-10T04:21:00.001+08:00

YAY. PAI TIN GONG!

as usual when to tuaku's house.

and zomg this year is seriously boring wehh.

not one single gathering with ALL the cousins.

sighs. sad case.

anyways, went back home at 11.30pm to set up for pai tin gong.

ZOMG. we saw people releasing lanterns again.

*facepalms*

the last time we released 10 lanterns at tuayi's house on chor 1,

all the lanterns were littered all over SMKGR's field!

one lantern was stuck at a tree.

THANK GOODNESS we retrieve THAT one back.

cus its mineeeeeeeeeeee.

with myyyyyyyyyyyyyy name.

*phew* so embarassing.

and so around 1 am we were cleaning up and stuff.

went chris's house at 2 am.

MA gang (yu, eric, jordan) and ivan has already left.

and plenty was still there.

kent, viv, dickson, kyan, cheriessa, chia, amee, leeyen, chris, louis, wanbang, sunny, peter, sheena, peiyee was there.

left at 3.30 am.

didnt have much luck in 'in between'.

oh well.

period.

cny day 7.

2011-02-09T01:04:00.000+08:00

omg. thank god i worked todayyyy :D

customer #1 :

put in two angpau. we were betting that it must be 2 bucks each.

and WRONGGGG. its 5 bucks each :D

again, me and angeline was already feeling happy.

customer #2 :

put in two angpau. we were betting that it must be 5 bucks each.

and ZOMG WRONGGGG. eric and latha opened it and was like "WTF. 100 BUCKS!"

me and angeline thought that they were just being sarcastic.

when they closed the angpau i saw a hint of purple.

i was like "OMG. you gotta be kidding."

and TA-DA. ITS 1OO BUCKS!

and WAIT. THERES TWO ANGPAU.

100 EACH = 200 friggin bucks!

me and angeline couldn't stop smiling the whole night.

we ran extra fast. we said thankyou extra loud. we smiled extra wider :D

throughout the whole night i basically asked nathan to go back into the kitchen.

"AIYAA, I TAKE I TAKE. i'll do it!"

hehehhe. its tips for 4 days of work. awesome.

tips by the end of the day: RM 114.20

jjang ♡

period.

cny day 6.

2011-02-08T15:18:00.000+08:00

watched A GREAT DAY 天天好天 with chris, her mum, tuayi, my mum, louis and wanbang.

the two were last minute substitutes for uncle lai and patricia ah yi who couldnt make it LOL.

was quite touching really.

10+1+1

aww :'(

i didnt cry though.

thumbs up for malaysia movie makers. getting better really.

period.

cny day 5. omg Daorae again.

2011-02-07T23:30:00.003+08:00

went to dinner at Daorae again.

third visit yo!

i might as well be a regular there :D

Vivien wong couldn't make it. i was disappointed really.

those who were there are Angeline Ding, Yuen Hua, Angie, Subaa, Stephanie, Vivian t. and of course U-Guan who's with her.

yum yum yum finally ate BBQ.

Pork Modum costs 75 bucks and only two bowls out of it.

zomg.

we managed to get a pack of cards and since we were in the room, we played blackjack :)

and they said no gambling cus they were broke. ==

me and steph walked over to jj to buy movie tickets and get her iPhone fixed.

otw back, bumped into Kent, Viv, Dickson and Jeffrey.

dinner at Daorae too.

when we got back to the room, it was like CHAOS.

there were lotsa coins, and apparently they were playing 'in between'.

U-guan left after he suggested the game and won all the money. wth!

so for each game, each of us has to put in 10 cents, and when you open your cards, its up to the player how much we wanna bet for the next card to be in between our current cards.

and wth there must be something wrong with the cards!

we kept getting the same cards and had to pay double! wtf.

in the end, we paid manager oppa with LOTSA COINS!

hahaha i felt sorry for him. cus he sat there and we took a long time to count.

and he kept saying "Ppali ppali ppali" which means "Faster faster faster."

HAHAHA.

when we were done we said okay. and he looked at us and said,

"OK? Now, my turn."

and he sat there counting. SORRY OPPA!

i look silly haha!

AND OMG.

that super huge SUPER SHOW 2 POSTER hanging on the wall with SUPER JUNIOR'S SIGNATURE ! omg

i actually asked him if it was for sale. he said no.

great.

SUPER SHOW 2 DAEBAK! DAORAE JJANG!

now sell me the poster. pleaseee.

eheheh. tiptoeeee~

anyways, had a great time meeting up with my 5 Lily babes.

miss our moments in class yeah. ♥♥♥

p/s: vivien wong missing.

and went to visit pan, yenfong, and olivia in pappa rich :D

pan with her Canada's next top model hair. ♥

period.

cny day 4.

2011-02-06T23:17:00.000+08:00

ITS SUNDAY! and i'm working again.

cupcake going back sabah tonight.

chris is replacing mandee at the last minute.

diarrhea. yeah right.

anyways, Kent came to dine at MA today. along with Fish, and another girl.

haha and yes, his baozhatou got my attention :D

and so when we break down, etc.

i was sweeping, and Chris suddenly yelled "TONY AH!"

and i was like "what?"

haha. small didi was at the front door. david was beside him.

and yes, finally they paid us a visit :)

so me and chris walked over to yumcha.

we went brown's for a banana split.

Terrence dropped by, Louis dropped by.

and Chris came up with this brilliant idea.

go home. change. and come back east. club.

awesome. and so she didn't want to leave me alone.

so i just tagged along to ABCA with david, tony, and joe.

chitty chat a lil, waited for chris to come back, then mummy picked me up.

so yeah. and miss chris is grounded. bahahah

♥

period.

cny day 3.

2011-02-05T04:47:00.001+08:00

ITS SATURDAY! and i'm working today.

at least cupcake is working today :D poor thing.

work today and go back sabah tomorrow D:

so cruel. chris is otw back to ipoh.

and yeah. so work was as usual.

and we actually break down quite early.

done by 11.30 pm. and told peiyuan to go yumcha :D

went home and bathe.

then meet up with chris, amelia, v-tjen, chia, sheena, peter and peiyuan at brown's cafe.

god it was a saturday night and it is SO PACKED.

sei peiyuan.

CUPCAKE'S THEORY #2:

yumcha and yum drinks is different.

if you ask to yumcha; it suggests kopitiam etc. so she's gonna dress shabbily with flipflops and tee.

if you as to yum drinks; it suggests nicer places and nicer outfits.

like wth ==

so tak beri muka. never seen peiyuan dress nicely on outings. :\

anyways, the strawberry milkshake at brown's is ohhhhh-so-nice. 很有幸福的感觉.

HAHHAHA. hope i typed the right chinese words :D

we were playing cards there. blackjack then police and killer then uhm "three cards."

♥ was so fun. went home at 3 am. mum is still at tuayi's house. hehe.

webcam with chris till 5am. (?)

dashed upstairs when i heard my mum and brother came home. haha

i dont want to get skinned alive :P

period.

cny day 2.

2011-02-04T04:35:00.003+08:00

i cant even remember much of chor 2.

the only thing i remember was that chris is not back yet.

i am stuck at my aunt's house. my mum is talking to my relatives.

kevin went back to kl. ben is in kbox. peiyuan is sick.

and the iPad is running low on battery. damn.

so i have no idea how i got the guts to do that.

i just told my mum i wna go yumcha again.

and omg she said okay.

so i got elaine and melvin to drop me at McD.

he was in cc. with tony and joe.

i went there. and i was practically cursing. wth am i doing in a cc when they are dota-ing.

shit. the msn there sucks. and by the time i get to sign in; they were going McD.

angel was there. and few other who i know but are not friends.

and awkward. very very awkward.

*facepalms.

never. ever. meet. up. along. with. a. bunch. of. people. you. dont. know. and. are. not. introduced. to.

bahahah. i was smiling very ugly-ly LOL.

period.

cny day 1.

2011-02-03T15:48:00.002+08:00

omg. it doesn't even feel like cny.

all my generation is missing.

what happened to last year's activities.

going around 8 houses in one day. dinner at night.

chat and laugh non stop at night.

police and killer sessions. yam seng sessions.

firecrackers at night.

WTH.

instead, i ended up releasing lanterns.

HEHEHE. :D

then kevin dropped me at mcd.

cupcake was there.

went to station one. then otp with chris who is in segamat, johor. ==

AWESOME.

oh bla.

and i still cant believe i spent chor 1 like that. yumcha was fun though HAHAH

period.

shop. dinner at Daorae again ♥

2011-01-28T00:14:00.003+08:00

went De Garden and shop around. only bought a top from Zero to Ten.

saw pan, polivia and yenfong working in pappa rich :D

chat and blabla then went to find chris and aun.

then peiyuan came. followed cupcake to send her lil brother to tuition.

and amazingly we managed to buy flip flops from parade.

parking and brisk walking and bought the flip flops in less than 10 minutes.

AWESOME SHOPPING HAHA.

and cupcake taught me a new theory.

girls should always walk on the right side.

ride the escalator on the right side. okay :) i'll remember that.

then sent her brother alllll the way to First Garden. wow.

then went back to Daorae. sigh. nearly got banged bahahahha.

cupcake ah cupcake ==

dine. camwhored.

and then we saw siew li's dad and we were like "OIH!"

then we saw siew li and we were like "HEY!"

and i was thinking; nah; michael must be at MA.

and see see michael comes out and we were like "ohh WTF."

haha cus me and chris marked unavailable on the 28th :D

anyways. aun got his dream of working in MA. but during CNY hahahaha.

then went jj.

wanted to watch paranormal activity 2 but too late :\

no longer showing in TGV :(

so picked Shaolin over Jay Chou's Green Hornet lol.

movie at 11.15 am tomorrow.

and i bought flipflops from PDI. like finally :D

the banana flipflops is ruined after i wore it back to Parit Buntar. ==

and oops. i wore cupcake's watch home. i'll go buy one. i like it.

hope you dont mind. ♥ aiyaa. if you mind, i'll just wont wear it in front of you. HAHA.

heeee ♥

period.

paying the last respect to my uncle.

2011-01-26T23:07:00.002+08:00

R.I.P. to my uncle; passed away 22/1/2010.

mourn for him. the previous night we even did all the rituals. traditional way.

like wow. at least it was some new experience. even sis in law had to do it with us HAHA.

uhm. yes. took this whilst on the bus to cremation centre.

the journey to and fro took 2 hours plus.

so the only communication possible was iPhone :D

hee.

i didn't call my dad at all. i'm good with that.

i just realised i said "BYE GODFATHER" to my kai yeh before we went back ipoh.

bahahahhaha. bet that pissed him off.

my mum told me that he actually mentioned this matter to her.

he was actually sort of accusing my mum that it was my mum who taught me not to call him.

MY FOOT. i dont ever want to call you "papa" cus you don't deserve a single bit of it.

leaving me alone is the best.

just that my mum is worried that i might have karma for being unfilial to my dad.

well listen up karma, me not calling him dad is a karma he did for himself.

he well deserves it. and he can suck up the rest.

and i cut my fringe after i bathe at homw. so spontaneously.

i was like, "hey mummy, come lets go saloon." haha

coconut LALA fringe again. idc :D

BAHAHHA NOOB LOOK ♥

period.

:\ going back. again.

2011-01-25T17:03:00.002+08:00

SIGH.

going back there again. in less than an hours time i think.

just waiting for my brother and sister-in-law to reach home from kl.

My mum and Ben went back on Sunday. I did not.

And apparently; my mum had a brief emotional breakdown too.

She haven't even got out of the car, and she told me she was like shivering all over.

She said she wasn't afraid; like me, she does not hate them; like me, she thinks she got over the whole incident; like me.

But nope.

Then she cried too. My brother hugged her.

Lucky my two aunts were there.

Now I'm gonna have to go back again.

AND STAY OVER FOR GODS SAKE. URGH.

I wished someone would call me later.

Just to keep me occupied or something.

Just so that I wont feel so awkward there.

Just so that I can be a lil happier.

And I dont really like to text. lazy. and also cus I'm not the one paying the bill.

AHHAHAH :D

p/s: "I feel like I can talk to you forever hun ♥ AHAHAHAH "

I'll post about my Daorae dinner soon. heh

period.

dinner. at Daorae ♥

2011-01-24T23:39:00.000+08:00

DAORAE IS DAEBAK !! JJANG ♥

plus, the manager oppa there is korean :D

hahahhaha sot right me. i know.

and they play KOREAN MVs. like awesome.

eat authentic korean food. watch authentic korean MVs.

*drools at sight of 2PM's abs.

bahahhahaha.

free soju on opening day. ahhh.

its sweet. and very very sharp. uhm. sorry cant define it ==

alcohol was 16.9 % if not mistaken.

quite alot.

the table next to us was totally drunk.

one guy had to be literally DRAGGED out of Daorae man.

some seafood thing.

DOKBUGGI ♥ FAVOURITE RICECAKE HEEEEE.

side dishes.

ULTIMATE FAVOURITE PA-JEON ! ♥

KOREAN PANCAKES YUMMMMMMM.

Sam-gye-tang. ginseng chicken soup.

yummy.

went home and uhm. chatted with him for a while.

LOL.

fb post : "I feel like I can talk to you forever hun ♥"

one hour promise.

i wonder when :\

period.

:"(

2011-01-23T01:29:00.000+08:00

supposed to:

go for driving lesson at 9 am.
report for work at 4.30 pm.
have fun in work.
end the day with a smile.

instead, what happened was:

Ben told me i had to cancel my driving lesson at 7 am.
my uncle passed away. like so sudden omfg.
Kevin, Ben, and I are going back to Parit Buntar. double omfg.
plus; mum is not coming with us today. holy omfg.

I WAS LIKE OMFGPLSHELPNOOOOOOOOOOOO D:

The thing is; i never went back to my hometown since i was perhaps nine or ten.

every CNY, i would stay in ipoh with my mum cus i would refuse to go back there with my brothers.

Even worse; i haven't seen Mr. Tan since forever.

TOTAL FML. its not that i looove to curse and swear all right. but like seriously, i cant describe how i feel.

Imagine you are gonna meet up with a long lost friend you have not seen for the past ten years, you'll hug and smile and laugh when you meet up.

But in this case, its a dad that ruined the family and left us in dire jeopardy.

So its going to be a scenario where you are gonna face someone you have not met for oh-so-long and the only impression you have of that person is.. is.. indescribable.

What happened there was:

Total awkwardness. They knew my brothers but stared at the complete stranger: ME.
I was practically hiding behind my brothers LOL.
and they go "Who is this? Ohh, this is the youngest one. She's all grown up." Thats it.
was sitting down and FML Mr. Tan walked in.
He looked at me. I stared at him.
And he said "Shinwei see papa now also dont call papa already?"
And fcuk I went behind. Tears were like flowing just like that. I had absolutely no control.
My two brothers was like hugging me and saying "Its okay, I understand."
I was crying and sobbing exactly like a three year old kid.
And then he had to come again and say "Why now see papa like see enemy?" urgh.
Ironically, i wasn't crying because of my deceased uncle; but because of the living father. total fml.

Let me put it this way. I have been avoiding from confronting this issue for ten years.

He left us when i was 7. I am 17 now.

I've avoided this "phobia" for ten years; and all the while I thought that I have healed from the pain and impact he caused to me.

The thing is, I am not.

I have been living in denial that what he did and does now doesn't mean anything to me anymore.

The fact is; what he did is already in me.

And what I have to learn now is to face this "phobia" :"(

It seems like he wants to talk to me. But all I want is for him to stay away from me.

Its so goddamn awkward because we are in a funeral procession.

I have nothing to do, and when he comes nearby; all i was thinking was "PLEASE. dont come near me. dont talk to me. and just LEAVE ME ALONE."

BIGFATSIGH.

he degraded to such a pathetic state, i repeat, PATHETIC.

I went back home; and my mum said; "Why are your eyes swollen?"

My brother, "She cried." :\

My mum, "Cried for the dead or the living?"

Me, "..."

I was worn out and soooo tired.

Pysically tired; mentally tired. Heart terribly sore.

All I can say was that I thank god that I feel so protected to be in the middle of my two brothers when I was crying so badly.

I dont want to step back into that horrid place anymore.

Somehow; avoiding seems to comfort me the most.

p/s: ddc; i know you won't understand how bad it feels. and yeah. i miss you alot. :P

period.

:\ going back.

2011-01-22T07:13:00.001+08:00

I've always thought it was okay not to go back. I've never given much thought about it. Thinking now; I know how to spell guilt. How not filial can I be towards my paternal family. Still, it only applies to everyone but him. sighs.

posted on facebook. 1/22/2011

chacha ♥

2011-01-19T14:02:00.000+08:00

ALEXA TAN.

hmm. do you approve?

♥

period.

i got myself tumblr.

2011-01-17T00:50:00.005+08:00

finally i got a tumblr account

hehe i love it.

tumblr : herdolcevita ♥

xoxos.

btw; it means her sweet life in italian.

hees ;)

period.

exasperation.

2011-01-16T17:26:00.001+08:00

lol why does blogger keep saying that my posts have broken tags and refrain me from publishing anything. ==

i just wanted to say:

"Why do i feel like the feelings are fading? Does a crush really only lasts for 4 months? well then we'll see what happens in march. But for now, i still do. ♥"

And yeah, dont think so much right. :) hehe.

period.

dinner.

2011-01-16T00:31:00.000+08:00

YAY. brought my eldest brother and my mummy to Michelangelo's Pizzeria. It feels sooooo satisfying to be a customer instead of server. Not to mention the fact that i had my colleagues eric, jordan; and jack to serve me. :)

It feels so weird to have a proper dinner. Since i started work, i have my "dinners" at 4pm before i go for work. And then i have a few bites of pizza and parmesan knots or carbonara spaghetti and cinnamon rolls for the night.

So it felt really nice to eat a proper portion of:

Miki-miki Hawaian and The Hog pizza (half each);
Carbonara Spaghetti (chris was on pasta duty that night♥ );
Bacon-wrapped Jalapeno peppers stuffed with cream cheese (omfg appetizers YUMMMM);
Cinnamon rolls (on the house ! yay) my fav;
a Cappucino and a Latte Macchiato coffee.

nom nom nom :D hehe. i got staff discount. so i practically paid for 20% of the dinner. AHHA :P

was so stuffed to the brim. hehe i asked them to tip 5 bucks. i'd be happy if i was working that night :D

shin; mummy; kevin. ♥

p/s: i need to cut my fringe and cut my weight too. and lol my brother needs haircut too.

i like the haircut when it was short :\

so envy at how fast his hair grows :( ish.

period.

speechless-ness.

2011-01-16T00:09:00.004+08:00

说就说的大声点。最讨厌这些想说坏话可是却怕别人听到。

其实，也不算是什么坏话。

说我是个没情的人。真是天大笑话。

不会表示不代表不关心啊。 @.@

我就是这种人。表面上不在乎就是不在乎。

哈哈。我这样应该算是很也野蛮吧。

天啊。我干吗打中文字啊。

打肿脸充胖子。

period.

strolling. shopping.

2011-01-10T21:21:00.001+08:00

pizzas and parmesan knots and the occasional carbonara spaghetti after 11pm every night is making me gaining weight. like seriously.

== if i dont get a boyfriend blame those flours and doughs.

cus nobody's gonna want me. eeeekkk fats.

i guess i'll just have to marry a pizza.

BAHAHAH LOL :\

period.

melda ahmad- kimia

2011-01-06T23:55:00.003+08:00

♥♥♥
Aku mula jatuh hati kepadamu
Setelah kau kata cinta padaku
Masing-masing dulu punya pasangan
Akhirnya kita bersama
Pertama kali kita bersua bertentang mata
Terasa ada kimia di antara kita
Kau kucup pipiku
Kau bisikkan cintamu
Kau kata baby i love you
Kau cairkan hatiku
Bahagia
Ku rasa disaat kita berdua bersama
Memandang bulan terang
Menyaksi bintang-bintang

Kau seru akulah pelangi cintamu

link to music video

♥

2011-01-03T14:03:00.000+08:00

If you ended 2010 single.

If a boy is nice enough to stay up and text u all night,call you sweetie,ask u how ur day went(everyday),worries if u don't answer his texts making him immediatley thinks something is wrong,and simply smiles at you whenever he can he is the right guy.

It hurts to love someone and not to be loved in return, but what is more painful is to love someone and never find the courage to let them no how you feel. ♥

source: facebook likes ;)

and haha like seriously; sometimes words make different meanings depending on the way you interpret it.

that is how miscommunication forms.i practically lol-ed at your message text.

and yeah.you made me smile alot when you said this. and also the rest of the fb chat too.

"i think if you hugged him; he wont let you go."

*smiles*

period.

emotionless.

2011-01-02T07:04:00.000+08:00

theres times when you cant describe something that has been bothering you.

something that meant so much yet at the same time it would be so insignificant.

when you cant say it out; i guess its best to just type with words.

imy alot.goddamn much.

but then again; i always doubt how much do you mean to me.

are you like really what i want; or is it just some, some temporary fling.

i wish i would know. but to know that; maybe it takes time.

maybe only time would tell me whether you are the one for me. or am i the one for you.

it does pain me alot to know that you actually do care;

but sometimes you show that you dont care.

i mean, i know you do care, alright.

just.i dont even know what is wrong with me.

i feel like i'd like to tell you out loud that imy. but then i would start doubting myself.

to make things short; i am just very insecure.

insecure with relationships if you know what i mean.

afraid to hurt; and afraid to be hurt.

and sometimes i dont know what you are thinking.

you seem so near; yet so far. i'd like to know how you.. feel?

lol.i have no idea.

i apologise for behaving rudely. and also for making you worried.

this is a small matter. i wonder why am i reacting like that. :'(

sorry.for everything that made you anything but happy.

sorry that i loved you, sorry that i'm falling in love with you. again and again.

2010-12-28T12:46:00.000+08:00

ANTHONY NEELY- SORRY THAT I LOVED YOU ♡

For all of the time that i tried for your smile

For making you think that i was worth the while
So your love love love love love would be mine
For sending you flowers and holding your hand
That no one was there to take a stand
But then love love love made us blind
And I’m so sorry that I hurt you
Sorry that I fell through
Sorry i was falling in love with you
I’m sorry that it came true
But sorry doesn’t turn back time
For all that i have done to you
I wish that i could make it right
So sorry that i loved you
Sorry that i needed you
Sorry that i hold you tight
And I’m So sorry for...
Making you love me and saying goodbye
For being the one that taught you how to cry
It was love love love and it passed us by
For giving you every thing that you dreamed
For taking it back when i fled the scene
sorry love,for wasting your time
And I’m so sorry that I hurt you
Sorry that I fell through
Sorry i was falling in love with you
I’m sorry that it came true
But sorry doesn’t turn back time
For all that i have done to you
I wish that i could make it right
I’m so sorry that i loved you
Sorry that i needed you
Sorry that i hold you tight
And apology now after all of this time
Won’t make my difference tonight
But I’m hoping I’m Sorry will open your mind
To love love love love in your life
Sorry that i hurt you
Sorry that i fell through
Sorry i was falling in love with you
I’m sorry that it came true
But sorry doesn’t turn back time
For all that i have done to you
I wish that i could make it right
So sorry that i hurt you
Sorry that i fell through
Sorry i was falling in love with you
I’m sorry that it came true
But sorry do can’t turn back time
I’m sorry that i loved you
I’m sorry that i hurt you
I’m so sorry that i loved you
I’m sorry that i hurt you
Sorry that i loved you

link to music video.
period.

all she wants him to do. imy.

2010-12-23T14:01:00.000+08:00

- When she walks away from you mad; follow her.
- When she stares at your lips; kiss her.
- When she pushes you or hits you; grab her and don’t let go.
- When she starts cursing at you; kiss her and tell her you love her.
- When she's quiet; ask her what’s wrong.
- When she ignores you; give her your attention.
- When she pulls away; pull her back.
- When you see her at her worst; tell her she’s beautiful.
- When you see her start crying; just hold her and don’t say a word.
- When you see her walking; sneak up and hug her waist from behind.
- When she's scared; protect her.
- When she lays her head on your shoulder; tilt her head up and kiss her.
- When she steals your favorite hat; let her keep it and sleep with it for a night.
- When she tease's you; tease her back and make her laugh.
- When she doesn’t answer for a long time; reassure that everything is okay.
- When she looks at you with doubt; back yourself up with the truth.
- When she says that she likes you; she really does more than you could understand.
- When she grabs at your hands; hold hers and play with her fingers.
- When she bumps into you; bump into her back and make her laugh.
- When she tells you a secret; keep it safe and untold.
- When she looks at you in your eyes; don’t look away until she does.
- When she misses you; she’s hurting inside.
- When you break her heart; the pain NEVER really goes away.
- When she says its over; she still wants you to be hers.
- Stay on the phone with her even if she’s not saying anything.
- Don’t let her have the last word.
- Never call her hot, pretty is so much better.
- Say you love her more than she could ever love you.
- Argue that she is the best girl ever.
- When she's mad, hug her tight and don't let go.
- When she says she's ok, don’t believe it, talk to her.
- Because 10 years later, she will still remember you.
- Call her at 12:00am on her birthday to tell her you love her.
- Call her before you sleep and after you wake up.
- Treat her like she's all that matters to you.
- Tease her and let her tease you back.
- Stay up all night with her when she's sick.
- Watch her favorite movie with her or her favorite show even if you think its stupid.
- Give her the world.
- Let her wear your clothes.
- When she's bored and sad, hang out with her.
- Let her know she's important.
- Kiss her in the pouring rain.
- When she runs up at you crying, the first thing you say is; "Who's butt am I kicking today baby?"

source: world wide web

period.

random. or maybe not.. :(

2010-12-22T07:25:00.000+08:00

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period.

looking at him

2010-12-10T16:29:00.000+08:00

choywaihung.

period.

someone misses me.

2010-12-07T14:52:00.000+08:00

choywaihung.

so do i.

period.

ARUPS CONFERENCE 2010

2010-10-07T15:05:00.000+08:00

Asean Regional Union of Psychological Societies (ARUPS) Conference 2010

Venue: HELP Main Campus

Date: 2-3 Oct 2010

i was there ;D

damn.i was alone cus yi mei and michelle did not go.

what a waste :\ come on. i mean its a free ticket worth like over RM200 for the conference.

Theres like so many people there; lecturers, professors, psychologists, counsellors;

all from different Asean countries.

There were even people from Europe and god knows where else.

Practically we just choose which presentation and symposium that we want to attend; rush to the venue; sit; listen; scribble notes; etc. etc. then move to the next venue.

i had fun there. running around like some busy lady HAHA :D

but it was tiring cus its like at two separate buildings in HELP.

met awesome people; learnt awesome stuff.

i even bought a book which costs like almost RM100 AFTER discount. and its like what, the cheapest book on sale.

"Reading Freud" by Tony Thwaites.

love Sigmund Freud. so amazing.

the next conference is like two years later; 2012 in CAPE TOWN, SOUTH AFRICA !

i wonder if i'll ever had this chance to get there.

so im like really lucky to get a free pass when i am just seventeen AND when it is held in Malaysia. ;D

Thankyou HELP.

period.

ARUPS CONFERENCE 2-3 OCT 2010

2010-10-01T15:31:00.000+08:00

http://www.arupsconf2010.org/

period.

new breath.

2010-09-11T10:48:00.000+08:00

Spotted another amazing shoe designer.

Andreia Chaves.

what so famous about her are her artistic (d'uh) and her mathematical concepts.

or i would rather say geometrical.yes.

first up; "The Invisible Shoe".

yes, it is 'invisible', no ? asymmetrically low-cut boot.

Then there are these shoes which reminds me of blocks from 'Stack em's'.

"Form and Texture" shoe.

squares of leather and cubes of sycamore wood.

how can THAT heel balance someone up. amazingly it does.

wonder what happens when the tip of the heel gets worn out.

"Twirled" shoe.

hmm. this reminds me of the craft you make out form soda cans.

used clear PVC at the wedge heel and beneath the metals.

And the last piece; "The Velcro Shoe" (?)

i. dont like this.

but at least you can twist and wrap and shape and stick them as you like and redo until you're pleased.with your creation.

Also found these on the www.

dont know the names of these shoes or anything about them.

fed my insanity for shoes.

period.

browse around.

2010-09-10T14:22:00.000+08:00

wow. i could really walk with these on my head alright.
pink crystal-studded earphones is love.

real crystals mind you. about a thousand over USD.

and as for these carriers; it looked really 'pro' to me.

easy and super handy ;)

wonders.

period.

please.

2010-09-09T14:06:00.000+08:00

madcow.

period.

Grown Ups.

2010-09-07T11:58:00.000+08:00

he is the best man on earth.

he is my king.

he is the idol of all times.

he is the king of comedy.

he is ADAM SANDLER.

he is the absolute best of the best comedian.

i dnu why i praise him so much but i reealllly love that man. *laughs*

from "The Longest Yard" to "Click" to "I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry" to "You Don't Mess With The Zohan" to "Bedtime Stories" to "Grown Ups" ; this guy has never failed to make me smile and laugh.

theres an upcoming movie releasing next year -__-

"Just Go With It" starring him with Jennifer Aniston and Nicole Kidman. i think it'll be good.

went there with angie, vivian t, winnie, yeanyean *all sept babies* and yuenhua.

i am so tremendously sorry. planned to have early dinner at De Garden but it was raining so ended up in Sushi King.

*please do not, i repeat DO NOT order cheese tobiko. cold melted cheese+fish roe+wasabi is very not okay.*

and again i am tremendously sorry. HAD to go physics tuition. and the BEST thing was i was practically alone in there. pan was at jy's party, viv wong's mum was busy so she couldnt make it, and maddi is currently attending to needy children in Cambodia. *imisscambodia*

great.

ohwell.

heheh paveena my dear wife; the middle picts gonna upset you ;)

and yes yean i owe you an outing. and the rest of you guys too.

lets wait for miss chris to get her ass back here in ipoh on the 9th.

period.

movies. home-screened.

2010-09-05T12:42:00.000+08:00

HAPPY thirty-second BIRTHDAY SISTER IN LAW !

HAPPY god-knows-how-old BIRTHDAY AUNTY !

HAPPY seventeenth BIRTHDAY ANGIE !

04/09/2010 : what a date.

anyways, vivian t and angie came over to my place for movies.

it was really a random idea we came up with on friday whilst trying to pass the idle moments in school.

THEME ? GRUESOME HORROR MOVIES. duh

watched WRONG TURN 3 *three fingers urgh* and for lack of choices JENNIFER'S BODY.

should've rewatched SAW :(

but there was one point in Wrong Turn that had all three of us screaming at the same time.

OMGROFLOL. i was sitting on the floor.the other two were on the sofas.

i screamed and turned and *crunch* smashed onto the bag of chachos.

OMG ahhahah.

we had chips; then mummy cooked dessert. omg stuffed us to the brim.

and angie even brought some cake. omg even stuffed.

hahah our stomachs could still hold in food after the movies. but it wasn't that horrifying compared to the SAW editions. *love the movie*

then me and vivian t went for raslan tuition LOL

and sir was talking about these arabian parangs with curved hooks and i was like mortified (?).

cus its like the scene when Three Fingers was hooking the convict and dragging and ...

excuse me.

oh well.fun day :D

period.

TRIALS. loathes myself.

2010-09-04T10:45:00.000+08:00

trials: 17/08/10 - 02/09/10

i just have to say this.

SUPER SHOW 3 TICKET : out of my grip :'(

goodbye. i'll just have to earn you back.

chemistry screwed big time.

as for biology. goddamnit. thankyou to miss angie who told me the wrong chapters *she was watching America's Next Top Model* and she said I listened wrongly.

f4 chapter6 f5 chapter3 to f4 chapter3 f5 chapter6.

screw ANTM -_____-

goddamnit.

i reeeaaaallllyyyy dont feel one ounce of stress on my shoulders.

wtf is wrong with me. its like i JUST DONT GIVE A DAMN CARE.

this is bad. very.

period.

ends with tears falling on my precarious self.